Greetings from still-sunny Southern California!
[Warning: My emotions are on edge, right now. My life may be less dramatic than it appears.]
I’ve been home from the Race for two weeks now and things were almost-uncomfortably fine until this past Friday–the first day I had real alone time in an empty house. Prior to that day, I had not been jetlagged (crazy, right?) and I was go-go-go with catching up with friends, talking to my supporters, speaking at my home church, going to a bunch of family gatherings, spending time with the boyfriend…all really good things. Really good.
But as I was in my house, folding three loads of laundry, alone on Friday, I realized that after the busyness of the holidays and the hype of me coming home dies down, I’m left in the same circumstances and physical place as I was before I left for the Race. On the outside, nothing has changed from last year. Sure, at the moment not having a job or a clear direction is okay because it’s only been a couple weeks and I need to readjust and stuff; but like I said–once the hype dies down, what am I going to do?
Then, I started thinking about the future. For me, that’s not always a good thing. I’ve been asked so many times about my future and “the next steps” and my “big plans.” Each time I’ve been able to answer truthfully and graciously (usually with an, “I’m not 100% sure yet…”; but I think that now as time has passed and more people are asking, I’m beginning to feel the pressure of having an answer. What’s more, the answer that I’m thinking about is not going to be a very popular one. So not only do I not really have an answer, but thinking about the question too much stresses me out because I’m either thinking about how I don’t have an answer or about how what I’m considering isn’t something that is going to be accepted or understood by many people.
And then I started to realize how many things I’ve needed to/wanted to do: wrap Christmas gifts, send out an update email to my supporters, write a blog (#makingprogress), write cards to people, catch up with my teammates, check facebook, respond to emails, clean my room, meet up with this person and that person…but now I’m at a place where I’m so overwhelmed thinking about EVERYTHING that I’ve just frozen. I’m not making great moves to do anything. And I’m terrified of Facebook. I know that I have umpteen notifications, but right now I’m missing those months of having no internet.
Re-entry hasn’t been hard in the ways people have told me that it would be. I’m not angry at America, I’ve been able to adjust to the time difference, I think I have a healthy perspective on how I’ve changed and how much to expect or not expect from others, etc. But I hadn’t prepared myself to take things slowly enough. It’s like someone told me to eat my cake in moderation, but I didn’t realize it was going to be cheesecake so I threw that advice out the window and now I’m suffering the consequences. Cheesecake is great. Being home is great. But now I need to rest, and I hope that I still have time. So if you are someone who is awaiting a Facebook message response or an email reply, I humbly ask that you extend grace to me as I take the next couple days before Christmas (possibly more) to be MIA for just a little longer. I will do my best to actually rest this time. Thank you.
You know that you’re hurting and need to spend time with your Father when you read something and you start crying:
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly in my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weakness, insults, hardships, persecutions and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong” (2 Corinthians 12:9-10).
I think I will write a post or two more on this site, so be on the look-out. And if I don’t make an appearance beforehand–Merry Christmas and happy holidays 
