After I’ve had some time to reflect on our time in Africa I realized what God is teaching me.
As I’m sure some of you know, Manzini was a tough time, I think for all of our squad. Our squad was there during the end of summer so carepoints (where kids go to get fed and play) were closed and there wasn’t as much of an opportunity for ministry. We had about 9 hours of scheduled ministry for the whole week and the rest of the time was just praying and doing whatever we felt the Lord was leading us to do (also known as ATL). So we had quite a different set of pace going from Tacloban where we did 8 hrs of ministry everyday to Manzini where we had about a total of 9 hrs a week.
Let me share a little bit of my story that ties up with what I learned in Africa….
Growing up I always sort of felt like my sisters shadow; she got straight A’s, was on the worship team and had/has an amazing voice. Also my parents are leaders in our church, my friends were very good at sports, and had clear talents and passions. Meanwhile I was stuck in the comparison game; I wasn’t that great at sports, didn’t have a good voice, and didn’t have clear passions or anything I was extremely good at. In that I would try and prove to others and myself that I wasn’t “useless” I guess. I would be willing to fill in at church wherever help was needed and do random tasks. Then, a few years ago I went to Swazi and God started stirring in me passions and gifts I didn’t really know we’re there. I became passionate about showing love to orphans or children that don’t get loved as often, and I realized that is what God has gifted me in. Those children left an imprint on my heart and long story short here I am on this 9 month missions trip getting to do just that.
Now back to Manzini. So we didn’t have many things to do to occupy our time and I started the comparison game again. That’s when God revealed something to me. God loves me for me. I always (and still do) try to do things to earn Gods love. If I do this then He will really love me today. Man, I didn’t do anything today, God must not love me as much or be as proud of me as he is with someone else. No. In not having as much to do in Manzini and not being able to fill my day full of things to “prove” myself to God I went crazy, I guess you could say. I wasn’t able to “put the carriage before the horse.” I had to sit in the fact that no I didn’t accomplish as much today, but God still loves me no matter what. I don’t need to fill my day with tasks to show him that I am worthy of his love or to have him be proud of me. God is love. I don’t need to do anything extra, he loves me; insecurities, imperfections, mess ups and all.
