I got saved in January of 2017, almost two years ago. Since that day, I’ve been searching for intimacy with God and I haven’t consistently found it. Sure there have been moments where I felt small pieces of intimacy, but it was never consistent. It’s been the cause of a lot of frustration between me and my Father. He says if you seek him with all of your heart you’ll find him (Jeremiah 29:13). I was mad because I felt like I’d been seeking him with my whole heart, so where the heck was our intimacy? Why did he feel so far away?
As part of our requirements for the race we have to do something called feedback. Each week, we give each member of our team an area in their walk with Christ that they are doing excellent in and encourage them to keep doing it; and we give them an area we see in which they can grow. I received some feedback this past week that I was a good teacher, because I’m a good student. I study the word of God, and I seek out answers, and I know it well. But being a good student isn’t all that’s to our relationship with Christ so my teammate told me she saw in me that a way I could grow is to learn to just sit with God sometimes. I accepted that and thought about it but I struggled so hard with what it means to just sit with Christ.
In my seeking intimacy with Christ, I’ve been studying. I’ve been reading my Bible and pouring over the words. What they mean, how they apply, who Jesus was talking to, etc… and these are not bad things, technically they’re good things. But there’s so much more to intimacy.
As I was on a boat on an hour long ride across Lake Atitlán, I found myself watching the way the water ripples and the way the waves coming off the boat crashed and made that really cool white stuff (y’all know what I’m talking about). I was watching this and I was in awe of the beauty that I was beholding. Water for me is a weakness. It’s so pretty. It’s so powerful. It’s so good. Exactly like our Father. It then hit me, the Lord was romancing me. So I sat with him. No bible out, no journal to process my thoughts, just me staring out at the water and volcanoes thanking God for his magnificent creation. And as tears filled my eyes, the Lord and I had our first intimate moment in a really long time. I wasn’t studying the word and then not taking the time to listen to him speak, I was just looking off the side of a boat and seeing the lake for what it was, another beautiful creation of God.
I started thinking back on the past two years, and I saw so many areas where the Lord was romancing me and I just hadn’t taken the time to notice. Sunsets on long drives home, giggles from my little brothers, wildflowers on the sides of highways… God has been giving me glimpses of who He is and has been patiently waiting for me to just look up and see.
Don’t get me wrong, I think some days I’ll still struggle to find intimacy with the Lord, because by nature, I’m a good student, not necessarily a good bride; but now I know it’s a lot simpler than I’ve been making it. And he really is making His face known to me, I just have to take the time to see it.
So if that’s been you, if you’ve been struggling to find intimacy with your Father, you’re not alone. But remember, He’s not hiding from you; and you don’t have to go all the way around the world to see that. Look at your life and see all the little things that you find joy in, that’s your Bridegroom romancing you. Accept him. I know I can’t wait for more moments like that between me and my King.
