A lot has changed since I left home eight months ago. I am now heading into month nine of my race – only have three precious months left. Each month has reminded me of a lighting strike. It shows itself in a blink of an eye and it’s gone before you are done blinking the first time.
Lately, I have struggled to write a blog post. I had no clue what to write about. I wanted to write about how God saved someone’s life and I was there to witness it. I wanted to write about how I witnessed something in order to bring Him glory. Here I am writing. But not the story that I wanted to write: Unmet expectations.
Part of being on the World Race is discovering who you are. Yes, we are all children of God. But World Race wants to go deeper than we’re just sons and daughters of Christ. They want to go deeper, because, at some point, most of us ask and wonder the same thing, “What does God want me to do with my life?” The World Race wants to help you discover what God wants you to do; they want to help you find the path God is asking you to be on. For me it meant being away from loved ones, and loved stuff for eleven months.
I have always struggled with the question of “How can I please the Lord?” In high school I knew that I was doomed. I knew I was doomed in academics, and I knew that God didn’t give me with any talents. Shoot. You want to talk about spiritual gifts? He didn’t bless me with any of those either. I was doomed to be a failure in the eyes of my Heavenly Father.
That’s what I believed in. I was being hand fed by the enemy. “Uselessness” is how I felt. I was useless to God. I couldn’t serve Him. I couldn’t do anything to bring Him glory.
It is now the end of month eight, and I still believe in this. That I was useless, and in some ways I believed I was wasting my time on the race. I believed I was wasting the time of everyone who was working back at the AIM office. I believed I was a waste. I started feeling sorry for myself that I wanted to go on the race, due to the fact that I am a waste. I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t show people the love God has for them. I can’t paint, draw, or sketch any pictures. I can’t play any musical instrument. I feel like it is the best for me, because I cannot sing and I don’t want to ruin the music for anyone.
I believed that I was a failure as a Christian. Asking myself, “Do I even deserve to call myself a Christian? Do I even deserve to call myself the daughter of the One true King? I can’t bring any glory to Him because I can’t bring people in.” I felt weighed down, carrying a weight that I shouldn’t be carrying. I felt like I could just fall flat on my face but, for some reason, I didn’t, and I didn’t understand it.
I kept letting the enemy feed me. I was useless, a waste, and a failure.
It wasn’t until I started talking to Rebecca about my past that a light bulb went off.
I was always able to read people’s emotions ever since I was little. I would feel sad when standing next to someone, and the next person I was around I would be happy. I never just felt happy or sad. Sometimes I felt anger. But I wasn’t angry at anyone. I was just angry.
It’s a curse. I don’t want any part of it.
“Kylee,” Rebecca said. “That’s the gift of empathy, it is a great and powerful gift.”
I looked at her and was thinking of a billion things. My first thought was that she was playing with me. There wasn’t a gift called empathy. She was just trying to make me feel better. However, I have gotten to know her for the past eight months. I have studied her. I watched and I listened to her as she kept talking about this gift that I have. The more she talked about it. I knew she wasn’t lying. That’s when she said the most dangerous thing of all time (This might be a slight exaggeration). “You should talk to Mama K about your empathy gift. She can help you grow in it.”
But did I want to grow in it? This was a curse that I believed in and all of a sudden it was a gift. I have been running away from it, trying to ignore it, and now I should be running after it? I was very confused. I have been praying for God to bless me with a gift to bring people to Him and to show them God’s love. I couldn’t wrap my mind around how empathy could give me the gift that I want.
So I prayed to God again, asking Him to give me a gift that would bring Him glory. He didn’t talk to me. However I did think of something. Why am I running away from this gift? I have been learning that fear doesn’t come from the Lord so why am I afraid?
(Another light bulb moment) Unless the enemy is afraid of me using this gift and is feeding me. I felt disgusted with myself as I thought about how I was allowing the enemy to feed me poison.
I did the only thing I could have done, or at least the only thing I thought of. I contacted my squad coach, Mama K. I didn’t know where to start in pursuing the gift I have been running away from. The gift God gave me.
So she gave me a bible verse: Matthew 10:42
“This is a hard work I’ve called you into but don’t be overwhelmed by it. It’s best to start small. Give a cool cup of water to someone who is thirst, for instance. The smallest act of giving or receiving makes you a true apprentice. You won’t lose out on a thing.”
Not only did God give me the gift of empathy. I also knew He gave me a compassionate heart towards others.
I am going into month nine, and I have a new prayer. My prayer is to have God’s eyes, and for me to keep growing in my gift. That way I may see who God wants me to love in the moment, and with my gift I will be able to understand what emotion that person is feeling.
I have been challenge by my other squad coach Papa T. His challenge for me is for me to actually do this prayer for the remaining three months that way I can grow in it before I get home.
I am asking those who read this to pray for me as I walk in this gift that I may grow in it and that I will be able to show God’s everlasting love that He has for them.
Thank you so much for reading this. God bless!
