I’ve been back in the states for exactly one week today and this culture shock thing they warned us about has started to take effect, but not in the way I imagined. Before I left on the race I could have walked into a Walmart and heard/seen all of these people whining and complaining about all of these things that really don’t matter at all and I would have been infuriated with their ignorance to all that they have. I assumed that coming back to the states, particularly around Christmas time, that this restless spirit within me would blow up and I wouldn’t be able to handle walking out my front door without blowing up at someone.
It’s amazing what the Holy Spirit can do no matter what it is provided to work with! While I realize that I still have probably not gotten the full effects of culture shock (as I’m told it takes about 2 weeks before it gets really hard) I am amazed in what change I have seen in myself. With my knowledge of the Holy Spirit living inside of me now at a constant rate, I am fully aware that all of this grace and mercy I have been able to show people is completely Him! Walking around town, driving from place to place, standing in line at the grocery store, my heart breaks for our culture and people. After having been all over the world I am so sad to say that many of the people I see here in America are more miserable than some of the worst off people in the world.
I am beginning to realize the horrific effects of living in a predominantly “about me” generation. Yes, it is true that on the outside people show care and love for one another and on some levels they actually do, but it breaks my heart to see the falseness of much of it. People say, “I love you!” to someone and are hurt or offended if they don’t hear, “I love you too!” If you have to hear a reply back, than you didn’t tell that person you loved them because you do, rather you told them so that you can know that you are loved by them. It’s twisted and is focused around the idea that everything we do is about “me.” People get offended all of the time because they can’t get past themselves. I’m not being mean, but I am speaking truth without any judgement or condemnation. I even see this in myself from time to time and honestly it is one of the weirdest feelings I get whenever I realize it. The reason why is because when that’s happening I’m not walking and being who and what I was created to be in the first place.
In the words of Todd White and Dan Mohler if you took an orange and squeezed it in a cup to make orange juice, but when you tasted it, it was actually apple juice wouldn’t that be weird? Really! Think about that! How weird would that be?! Than why isn’t it weird when you squeeze a Christian and everything but Jesus comes out? That ought to be so weird!
This is but a mere glimpse of some of the work that Christ has done inside of me. It’s no longer just a revelation or head knowledge, but Holy Spirit in me has spoken it into my heart and made it a reality that I live in Him every day. It’s so weird being back home now. It honestly feels like the past 20 years of my life I have been sitting back and watching someone else live their own life. On the race I started to learn who I am and now that I’m back in my hometown it’s almost like I have jumped from watching that same person’s life to stepping into their shoes! It’s like I’m living in a dream world where I play some character in a movie, but in all actuality I don’t resemble that character at all. Nothing seems like it’s mine anymore. All of the stuff in my room, my truck, everything seems awkward and foreign to me. It’s like it is someone else’s and I’m just using it for the time being.
On top of all of this stuff I have no idea where I’m suppose to go next. I have had some very clear direction from the Lord about what I am suppose to do, but no knowledge on how to get there or what He would like it to look like. I know that for the next 6 months + I am suppose to sit in His presence and continue learning who I am in Him and how much He loves me. I’m pumped for it, but at the same time desire to live in a community that is seeking His heart with everything that they are. Right now it seems like most of my friends in my hometown who really get this stuff and want to live completely for Jesus have moved out leaving me just a few people to live in community with. Most people my age around here are “dead” to themselves and live their lives for things that I really don’t have any interest in. So that’s my prayer. That God would continue to lead me into the places where He wants me to go and He would continue to give me His strength that I need to do whatever He calls me to.
