I don’t love God. That’s where I’m at right now. I’m tired of lying to myself and to Him and trying to convince myself that I love Him. It’s just not true.
In my last blog I talked about how I don’t know who I am. Ever since then I have been trying to figure out what I like, what I want to do with my life, and what makes me happy. While I think these are all great things to know, I have come to the end of every rope I’ve followed completely unsatisfied.
Before I came on the race I was on fire for God. I had built what I thought was a great relationship with Him and one that would last throughout my life. But the truth is that the love I had for Him then wasn’t as deep as I thought it was. I’ve been in a dry season for about 7 months now. I’ve heard from God here and there, but it’s nothing like it used to be. One reason that I think that is, is because I don’t spend time with Him like I used to. I used to get so excited and pumped to read my Bible or worship, or just talk to Him. Now all of that seems like a mind numbing chore that I do because I know I should.
Yeah, right now I don’t love God, but I want to. Everything I’ve done up to this point seems to have been for myself even if I claimed to do it for Him. I’m selfish. I want to be the one who brings God glory and I want to be the one to get recognition for loving God. But the truth is that all of that is only skin deep. I’ve lost the passion for God that I used to have. Life is so meaningless without Him ruling my life. I don’t know how to get past this, where to go, or what to do. All I know is that I want to fall in love with God all over again.
Perhaps I don’t love Him because I’m scared to dive into deep relationship with Him. Everything I’ve done in the name of Jesus (for the most part) has been a rash act that I’ve made in order not to be still/idle. I’m constantly on the move like a man running from town to town trying to hide from his past. The scary thing is I’ve convinced myself that I’m okay and that I’ve worked out all of my junk. The even scarier truth is that I haven’t done any of that. I think I’m ready… this time for real. I want to dive into the arms of my Father and learn how to love Him with all that I am. No strings attached.
If your interested in helping me meet my financial deadline of $15,500, of which i've raised $13,125, you can donate online by clicking the "Support Me!" tab on the left hand side of this page OR you can donate by cash or check to the following address:
Kyle Stinnett
400 Turnpike Rd
Mills River, NC 28759
Thank you so much!
