I got jealous the other day. Not just a little jealous, but really jealous. The pitch-a-fit and whine to yourself sort of jealous. I’ve been travelling for nine months now on a Christian missions trip doing most any kind of service work imaginable, and many kinds of service work that I never would have imagined. I sacrificed a year of my life and a year of being able to earn money to pay off my college debts for this. And now that we’re closing in on the end of the race, people are starting to plan, people are starting to get job offers, and people are starting to get blessings. And there I was, clueless and frustrated with little concrete direction for my life. And jealous. So jealous.
This mindset settled in for nearly a week as I wallowed in self-pity.
I talked with some of my friends on the squad about it, we did a bible study and I tried to fight my increasingly depressed mindset with scripture, and it wasn’t working. It was ugly.
After a week I started reading over the bible again, and I was scratching the surface of Genesis. This read-through, I want to read the bible slowly and with intentionality to try and get as much value out of it as I possibly can. I was instantly blown away with God’s character in ways that I had never realized or processed before, but many of those verses don’t have much to do with what I’m talking about. However, I then stumbled upon this gem in the story of Cain and Abel.
“3 In the course of time Cain brought some of the fruits of the soil as an offering to the Lord. 4 And Abel also brought an offering—fat portions from some of the firstborn of his flock. The Lord looked with favor on Abel and his offering, 5 but on Cain and his offering he did not look with favor. So Cain was very angry, and his face was downcast.
6 Then the Lord said to Cain, “Why are you angry? Why is your face downcast? 7 If you do what is right, will you not be accepted? But if you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it.”
I think it’s safe to assume that the offering Cain brought to God an offering that was not his best. And yet, when God did not favor the offering, he became bitter.
Closer to my point and my lesson, he became jealous.
At this point in time, my prayer life had been sub-par, on many days my dedication to our ministry was not as involved as it could be, and in many ways I was very much living in sin. So I asked myself, “Why are you angry? Why are you downcast?” I was not doing what is right, so I shouldn’t have been expecting the same acceptance as some of the people around me who are living out their role as a child of God in a healthy and effective way.
“If you do not do what is right, sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you ” This directly applied to where I was. For four days in a row I was curled up in bed literally debating whether I should ask my team leader if I could skip ministry or not. I was bitter, snappy, unloving, unmotivated, unwilling to fight temptations, unwilling to pray, unwilling to accept scriptural truth that would have pulled me out of this darkness.
I was also not ruling over my sin. My sin had completely taken over me and was dictating my actions.
So let’s string this all together.
NIV says to rule over your sin. The NLT reads the end of verse six as “But you must subdue [sin] and be its master.” To rule over something is a constant action. It’s also full of intentional decisions. In order to prevent sin from overcoming our lives, we have to do what is right. We have to rule over our sin. One of the definitions of ruling is “to make a legal decision about something.” We have to make constant decisions about our sin in order for it not to overtake our lives. And like I said, I was not.
Before my next point, to insert clarity, I am in no way giving you a works-based message. My salvation is not in question because of my actions. Jesus’s death on the cross covered all of our sins past, present and future. No, this lesson I learned is about our relationship with God and our relationship with God’s interaction with his creation.
It’s not a mindset of “If I do good things, God will give me great stuff.” For example, I’m not expecting a Ferrari when I get home from the race. It’s a mindset of “God is going to use willing, faithful people who pursue purification for his work.”
Observe 2 Timothy 2:20-22
“20In a wealthy home some utensils are made of gold and silver, and some are made of wood and clay. The expensive utensils are used for special occasions, and the cheap ones are for everyday use. 21If you keep yourself pure, you will be a special utensil for honorable use. Your life will be clean, and you will be ready for the Master to use you for every good work.22Run from anything that stimulates youthful lusts. Instead, pursue righteous living, faithfulness, love, and peace. Enjoy the companionship of those who call on the Lord with pure hearts.”
This leads to one of my favorite inside jokes: “Be a good spoon!”
For all of my cooks, imagine God is shopping at a fruit and veggie market to make a mean stir-fry. He’s God. He’s smart. He’s not going to pick the rotting food for his mean stir-fry. This metaphor gets a little weird when you consider that the rotting fruit could also be praying to God and saying, “please God, pick me for your mean stir-fry.” So if you want to be part of God’s stir-fry, live right. Live cleanly. Don’t rot yourself out with sin.
God’s relationship with us isn’t that he’ll make plans to fit us, he’s going to make plans, and then choose us to be involved. He’s only going to choose those who really desire him and love him. So the next time I’m angry because my prayer isn’t answered or I’m not selected for a position, I have to ask myself a few questions: Am I spiritually mature enough for this plan? Would I completely ruin it by my behavior? Is this plan even for me? Do I have the proper gifting for this plan? Am I the right spoon for the job?
So to be quite blunt, as I often have to be with myself, I have to acknowledge the fact that I have no room for my jealousy and my self-pity. That’s not how God works. My loathing and jealousy because of my poor performance won’t make him reconsider anything.
So check yourselves before you approach God. Check yourselves before you go into prayer. Be a good spoon. Or, “git gud.”
Be honest with yourself, and don’t waste your time like I did.
God is good, folks. But he’s also truth.
