Some days life is difficult. I have spent time ministering in places that the world would consider vacation spots and have struggled tremendously with sadness and a lack of perceived worth. In these times I have noticed more and more how beautiful and wonderful the world that we live in is. I am learning how intricately God has made his creation and how he wants us to have joy in our life here.
God also looks out for us in our struggles. I have three really specific times on the race where I was emotionally overwhelmed and I wanted something else. I wanted other friends, or I wanted rest, or I wanted to curl up into a ball and cry out of pure frustration. Yet in these times, God was able to reassure me through means that some of you might find comical, but I was overjoyed by.
Let me preface this by saying that I really like cats. Especially affectionate ones.
Greece was a really trying time for our squad. The schedule we worked on was tremendously demanding and many of us felt like we were not getting proper rest. One of my squadmates, Abel, suggested that we take our hammocks out to the beach and spend some time relaxing, reading the bible, and praying. It sounded good, but it would far exceed my expectations.
The weather in Greece during the day was a near-perfect seventy and it made for some excellent hammocking. The breeze made us sway gently in the wind, and the constant sound of the rolling waves comforted our minds as we spent time with the One and Only. More than that, we could see the town’s port from there, and I watched boats go in and out from the dock. Just to the right and up the hill was a fantastic castle, and the water of the ocean was a glassy blue. Not only was it beautiful, but it held a lot of special meaning to me. My late grandfather was a fisherman, so the boats were nostalgic and comforting. The medieval era of history is my favorite to study by far, and castles are something I’ve always dreamed of visiting.
Then came the kicker. As I’m swaying out in the breeze a cat jumped up in the hammock with no warning. It was super friendly too. The best part was that it had no ulterior motives. Sometimes cats will sit in your lap to get food, or they’ll rub against your leg for some other nefarious reasons, but this little guy curled up with me for the better part of a few hours and asked for nothing in return.
And then, I got an overwhelming sense of the message God was sending me. “I made this for you.” This specific moment in time fired on all cylinders to make me feel better, and I know that God’s been planning it from the beginning of time. His creation at that moment was utterly beautiful to me in so many ways.
A few weeks later, it was Thanksgiving and we struggled with being away from our families in such a time. We cooked one heck of a meal on Thanksgiving day, but it was still emotionally draining. I was walking back from our host’s house to our hotel feeling a bit somber. At the time, I was still struggling to feel comfortable with my team and I didn’t have the control over my negative emotions that would develop in the coming months. So I looked at the stars and prayed and vented my frustrations. I walked past the castle on the way home, and as I started to leave God strongly urged me to sit down. So I did.
Turns out, there had been a cat following me, that, or it was close enough that it could rush to me within seconds of me sitting down. The fuzzball jumped up in my lap with little to no coaxing and demanded to be pet. So I sat and prayed under a starlit sky with a cat and another gorgeous view. Again, careful planning with specific comfort. We do have a Father that loves us.
The last instance I’ll refer to happened in Zimbabwe. Sometimes we lapse back into our sin in ways that make us feel dreadful and hate ourselves. Maybe you’re a long-time cutter and you succumb to the bite of the knife during stress, or maybe your outburst of anger hurts someone dear to you…. again, or maybe after months of purity you google the inappropriate things after promising God you never will again. Well, I was in a situation like that, and at 3 am in a bathroom in Zimbabwe I hated myself, felt that I was a failure, and wondered if God was going to finally stop putting up with my crap and disown me.
I clearly wasn’t good enough for this mission trip. I wasn’t disciplined enough, I wasn’t pure enough, I wasn’t holy enough, and I wondered when I would stop disappointing God. At a time like this, I didn’t want to go to him in prayer. I was too ashamed. I didn’t want to apologize and ask for forgiveness for a sin that I’ve been struggling with for over a decade. I would tell him the same thing again, and at this point promising that I was done with this sin was not a new promise, and I had prayed for strengthening so many times it began to feel flat.
I didn’t want to talk to God, because I had given up on myself. I knew that God would still forgive me because his love surpasses all human comprehension to the point of it not sounding fair. “You mean, you’re forgiving me AGAIN?”
So I opened the door to go to bed and metaphorically stick my head in the ground and pretend that I didn’t exist until I fell asleep. I’d deal with God in the morning.
But God was waiting for me as I opened the door. A black cat was curled up in the walkway just waiting for me. I may not have wanted anything to do with God, but he made sure that there was something I loved waiting just past my self-loathing. So I sat with the cat with a level of bemusement that comes when you gravely insult someone, but they still do everything they can to make sure that you’re surrounded by things that comfort you when you feel the lowest.
I fully trust that God does this for others in other ways. I know to some of you my little feline emissaries are nightmare fuel, but I promise you that God loves me in sunsets, starlit skies, the beauty of gemstones, and the incredible animals He’s created. Take time to look for the elaborate tapestries he’s painted for us, because he’s always saying, “I made this for you.” Because he loves us.
