Seriously, I really don’t want to post this. So for whatever reason the Spirit is convicting me to do it anyways, I pray that it bears fruit, be that in myself or others.
“Medical school will expose your insecurities.” –A thought that went through my head during the orientation week of medical school
*Disclaimer: This is easily the most vulnerable blog I have posted. If you happen to think of me as fairly self-confident and prefer to keep doing so, read no further. The only confidence I can afford to have is in the Lord—He is the only Hope I have. Or if you would rather think of God as un-loving, un-just, or un-fair instead of what He really is, stop reading now.
**I am going to talk a lot in this blog about another world racer. For confidentiality purposes, I am changing his name to Blake Robbins. This blog was posted with the permission, blessing, and encouragement of “Blake”.
In month 2 of the world race, our squad was blessed to cross paths in Europe with another squad that was going into their final month of the race. We spent a weekend with them to fellowship together. It was phenomenal. During this weekend, my life crossed paths with a world racer from the other squad, Blake, who has some very similar interests and pursuits to me. Except here’s the problem: He does everything better.
Blake Robbins is just one of those outstanding, gold-star type guys. Everybody loves him, including myself. He has even taken time, even though we only met for a weekend in Moldova, to be a friend to me the rest of my race and since. I have realized, though, over time, that I have developed a little bit of self-doubt and comparison when I think of Blake. As I mentioned, we have done some similar things:
I am attending a medical school. Blake is attending one of the best medical schools in the nation.
I did decent on my pre-medical school tests (the MCATs). Blake did phenomenal.
I took that test 3 times. Blake took it once.
I had to apply twice to get accepted to medical school. Blake applied once.
I posted some blogs during my trip. Blake was “Racer of the Week” on the world race website.
I was a Team Leader. Blake was a Squad Leader.
I am not married. Blake is.
You see, Blake has just quite simply done better than me on a lot of things. I used to verbally joke that I was “a poor man’s Blake Robbins”. Except I was only half-joking. Some might say that I was “fighting lies” that Blake is better. Maybe I was fighting a lie that Blake was somehow more worthy than me…Blake isn’t “better” than me because we really are both equal in the eyes of the Lord. God doesn’t love Blake more or less than me. But in reality, Blake really IS more intelligent, better looking, and better at medical school interviews than I am. And you know what? That’s ok. Because in the long run, it doesn’t matter
IT DOESN’T MATTER.
Why?
Because 1 John 3:1 says, “How great is the love the father has lavished on us, that we should be called children of God. And that is what we are.” The Lord’s love for me is so immense, that He calls me His son! The God of the universe calls me His child!
Because God has utterly and completely redeemed me through sending Jesus, whom He desperately loves, to suffer a humiliating and torturous death on the cross for me.
Because, “All have sinned and have fallen short of the glory of God, and are justified freely by His grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus (Romans 3:23-24)”. A reason why so many people find it difficult to believe the principles of Christianity is because it doesn’t make sense to be given something SO GOOD for free.
Because He has made me completely worthy in His sight. He has made me worthy of His love. There is NOTHING I can do to earn that love. I just receive it. And it’s just sitting there, waiting for me all the time. Infinite. And Jesus just tugs at my shirt, telling me it’s going to be the best thing I’ve ever experienced. And He pursues me with His love over and over again.
Because my greatest fears are God's greatest opportunities.
Because Ephesians 3:17-19 says, “And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge —that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.”
If you want more verses on how good and immense His love is for you and me, check out Romans 8:38-39 and Titus 3:5-7.
I have never doubted more in any 7-day span of my entire life if being a doctor was really what God wanted me to do than during Orientation week of Medical School. I was really scared that I would fail…or even worse; that I would become so entrenched in my studies that I would lost sight of what is really important: Loving the Lord my God with all my heart, soul, and mind, and loving my neighbor as myself.
There’s a lesson that God has had to re-teach me over and over again: that He is glorified in the present moment, and is therefore a God of the process. If all I have is the right here and right now (since I can’t live in the past and the future only brings speculation and potentially anxiety), then I must do my best to love God, love people, and be happy NOW. As Oswald Chambers said, “His purpose is for the minute, not something in the future…God’s end is to enable me to see that He can walk on the chaos of my life just now.” It is not my “destiny” to become a doctor. My destiny is to, in the present moment that I am given, live in a way that is obedient, glorifying, and honoring to Jesus Christ my Savior.
I'm now in week 9 of medical school, and though the transition from the World Race to med school has been pretty difficult, I have so many things to be thankful for. One of the biggest blessing has been an ability to maintain balance. I have studied really hard, but I also have worked out every day, had a daily quiet time, gotten plugged into a Church, met up with old friends and made new ones. And by God’s grace and some miracle of the Holy Spirit, I have made it though my first two classes: Molecular/Cellular Mechanisms and Immunology. We are now in week two of Musculoskeletal and just started cadaver dissection (I freaking love it). But you know what? Even if I didn’t make it though those first classes, that doesn’t invalidate the unbelievable love of God and the free gift he has made available to all of humanity in the form of the cross and the subsequent empty grave. That gift is offered to EVERYONE, regardless of wealth, intelligence, nationality, social status…it doesn’t matter. God’s love, grace, and freedom remains. Thank you Jesus!
(with my dad at the White Coat Ceremony)
