Wrecked and restored

The Awakening was nothing short of amazing in many different ways.  It seems like just about everyone was able to grow closer to God and shed things that were holding them back in the past, which was awesome to witness.  I had some revelations myself but it wasn’t like the experiences that others had, I don’t think.

In an effort to keep myself from writing a novel, I’ll just say that I made a step of boldness and faith that I thought was positive only for it to be rejected by God, which absolutely wrecked me at the time because He wasn’t responding the way I asked Him to.  I was heartbroken because what happened was that I asked for reinforcement in my new boldness without realizing I was really asking for proof.  It took a while and some very good friends here to make me realize that and it’s taking a good bit of trust and honesty to be confessing this to you all now. 

My prayer for “reinforcement” was something I wanted to build up my faith even further but, instead, I watched it dissolve my faith right before my eyes until I realized that God actually was answering my prayer, not in one way, but two!  The first was by communicating to me in the way I asked Him to (in a physical way rather than a mental or emotional way).  I didn’t notice this at first because I was only looking for the answer I wanted to hear/see.  The second way He answered my prayer was by NOT giving me what I originally asked for.  It may sound weird, but I prayed for something very simple (that actually happens to me quite often here) so I could have the confirmation I wished to have.  When I asked for it, I had an unbelievable amount of confidence that it would happen the second after I prayed for it but three days later, it still hasn’t happened… not once. 

I think God has kept it from happening so that I would return to the place of faith I was in before I asked for proof He was listening to me.  Somehow, this conference directed me to enter a mindset in which I felt a strange entitlement to my inheritance of God’s kingdom.  I felt like God would do anything to keep me happy because He loved me so much.  I wanted to be as strong as possible for Him, which at the time involved having all of my doubts disappear.  He showed me how my obedience despite doubts had actually made my faithfulness mean more to Him, though.  For example, in the DR, I grew my relationship with Him almost every day by diving into the Word and paying attention to lessons He was teaching me (I’ve written them all down).  I did all that despite doubts and questions.  My following Him with the doubts and questions will always mean more to Him than if I follow Him with everything figured out (and considering He knew I’m capable of handling them, He just had to put me back into my place, I guess).  He broke my heart for a few days but He did it knowing I had the strength to recover. 

So there it is.  There’s far more to the story but there’s no way I’d be able to put it all in a blog post.  The city we’re in, just outside of Dublin called Clondalkin is really awesome and has pretty much everything we need.  I bought a harmonica and am dedicating myself to learning it this year.  Think about how awesome it would be to rock out to some sweet harmonica jams when I get back!

As far as ministry is concerned, The Awakening is officially over and tonight is the last night of our first squad debrief, making tomorrow a travel day out to ministry locations.  Our location will be at a house half-way from here to Gallway and we’ll be staying with two other teams.  Not really sure what our ministry includes just yet other than knowing we’ll be making contact with Gypsies.  

I hope all is well with you in your lives back home!  My prayers include all of you and I’m so glad to have such an amazing support system all around me.  Love you and I hope to send more information out soon.