This may be what some would call “word vomit� and, I guess the simple fact that I’m starting out by saying that assures us both that it will be.
The fact is that this trip has hit me in so many more ways than I first thought it would. I thought I’d be loving on people…and I have. I thought I’d be working with kids…and I have, multiple times. I thought I’d be doing manual labor…and, let me tell you, I have. I thought I’d gather amazing friends from every corner of the world…and I’m blessed to say that I’ve done that, too. What I didn’t think I would experience was more death. I had no clue that I would be absolutely broken…shattered…over protected but broken systems. Loneliness was something I thought I was 4,000 miles away from. How can you be lonely when you’re living in community? It’s actually very easy–just give Satan a few seconds of your time and listen to the lies he whispers to your heart.
I don’t know if others saw it before I did but, yes, I ran away from home to come on this journey. I won’t argue with you on that. My life changed too quickly during my senior year in college–no more dad, no more girlfriend and this new idea of following and honoring Jesus for the rest of my life. Too much, too fast, and so I’m not surprised that God answered my prayer of showing me how I could serve Him with the World Race. He must have known that I would’ve never packed up and left so willingly on a crazy trek around the world unless I was in a state of crisis at home. He must have known that I needed to get away in order to get closer to Him. But he also must have known that I still had a lot of grieving and processing to do from losing my dad. And I’ve realized that the only way He can get me to do that is to remind me what death looks like. With all the distractions around me, it’s easy to completely forget what’s waiting for me back home. My sister has reminded me a couple times about how hard it will be to come home and see my dad mysteriously missing. But simply hearing words just doesn’t bring me back to that state of mind like being impacted by death again. Including my uncle, my team has lost seven people that we either ministered to or were friends with during our ministry. It’s far more than any other team and the only reason I can think that God has allowed me to experience such loss is that He knows it brings me back to my dad every time. Thankfully, only one has passed while we were there but each person we’ve heard about passing away just reminds me that I lost my dad and it forces me to come to terms with it a little more each time. Is God killing people just to let me grieve? I don’t believe that for a second. But is He allowing me to experience the feeling of personal loss to let me grieve for them and, simultaneously, grieve for my dad? I have a feeling He might be. It’s one of those circumstances where His love for me is more about what’s best for me than about what’s easy or fun. Jesus, my shepherd, knows my needs. That’s not a profound lesson to be reminded of at all but it still stings as if I’m just learning it.
The last few months have been really hard in every way possible–emotionally, spiritually and physically. I never thought I would be standing in places that could easily be shown in those social injustice commercials we see from our couches and dining room tables. While we’ve been there, something protected me from seeing how bad it really is but, when I left, it all became clear and the system that allows such injustice just infuriated me–leaving me broken. The fact that prostitution and the social injustice that comes as a side to communism are each so hard to change admittedly frustrates me much more than it motivates me.
That brings me to loneliness. This is probably just a quick spell but I just want to tell you all how much I need to hear your encouragements–how much I love hearing what’s going on in your lives. It’s hard to be so shut off to everything I know for 11 months and, as I enter into the last month, I’m pleading with you to show me that I haven’t been completely forgotten about! Yes, I’ve gotten to go on some incredible adventures as a missionary… and that may be all you hear about or see but know that there have been some extraordinarily difficult times as well. I just haven’t been that great about sharing them through this blog because there’s so many details that go along with each part. It’s exhausting to think about, let alone write.
With that said, my amazing mother is planning a “coming home cook-out� for me and I would love it if you could save June 26th to come welcome me back home at her house in Apex. I’m officially requesting that Jersey Mikes is given the catering task since I haven’t had good cold cuts in a full year by now. I was going to ask for hamburgers but we found a Chili’s here in Penang, Malaysia last night and I got a nice, thick, Americanized burger. Cold cuts will go well with mid-summer heat, anyway.
I’ll share more details as we get closer to the actual day. I’m sure my mom will need to have a general idea of how many are coming so we’ll deal with that later. For right now, though, just put a huge “X� on June 26th in your calendars. You have no excuse to not come because of scheduling issues because I’m telling you two full months in advance.
Love you and, more than ever, you’ve all been in my prayers. Thank you for yours and please let me know how you are. There’s this nice, convenient button to your left that says, “drop a line.� It sends me a direct, private email and also shows me that I’m loved. Thank you.
