Throughout my life I have tried to find the answer to this question. Countless times I have thought that I figured it out then something would happen to change my mind. At first love to me only pertained to family and special relationships. I love my father, mother, and my brother; and I have believed that I was in love with a few girlfriends growing up. That was hard enough for me to separate. How can the feeling that I feel for my girlfriend be the same feeling that I feel for my parents? That’s a little weird right? Especially when you are supposed to use that same word towards everyone. I very sparingly used the word love up until now. It has always been a kind of mystical word that I didn’t fully understand. Many people nowadays seem to throw around the word love and it never made since to me. “I love candy”, “I love math”, “I love my friend so and so”. It was too powerful of a word to just throw around like that to me. The race has slowly changed my mindset.
I believe one reason it has always been difficult for me to love is because of all the barriers that I have placed around my heart. I have been hurt countless times during my youth. I have trusted people that have betrayed me, I have opened my heart to people who have crushed it. So I placed these safety systems to not allow my heart to be broken, but it also hindered my ability to show love and to let anyone love me. So when I allow myself to give and receive love, it is easier for me to say the word as well.
This morning when I was sitting in church, my two buddies were sitting beside me and before the service was over, both of them were curled up on my lap sound asleep. This is something so simple for a lot of you probably but it was an eye opening experience for me. These two little 8 year old boys trust me they soak in every word that I say to them. They want to spend every minute attached to my side. I just met these guys earlier this week and it hit me. I love them! I know barely anything about them. They live on a completely different continent then I. They have done absolutely nothing for me, they have given me nothing; but I love those guys. I care for them so deeply that I would do anything for them, and I believe they can see it.
God has used a few individuals to help me tear down the walls that I had placed around my heart. Some of them are on this journey with me, some I have encountered along the way. This is something that is incredibly nerve-racking, I feel so vulnerable and week, but it just makes me trust in God and let go of control. The race has taught me to love. Not even to love on a deeper level, but it has changed my entire definition of the word. I have torn down the walls around my heart. The walls that I used to keep me guarded and to keep my heart protected. I am now able to freely and fully pore out both my love, and the love that God has given me on the people around me. I AM FREE!!!
Are you? Take the time to reflect on that. Are you guarded because of things that have happened to you in your past? Do you fear being hurt so much that in hinders your ability to care for those around you? I encourage you to seek answers and if needed, seek freedom from that fear!
