To read the first part of this blog series, click on this link…The Fall of Kyle.
Before the fall of man it says in Genesis 2:25 that, The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
Naked people…didn’t feel shame…next verse…right?
Not so fast cowboy…
It is easy to read this verse and so many others and not really even think twice about them. In fact, I have done this and still do this often with verses in the bible. I never really get the whole meaning behind them.
For some reason, when I read this verse this time it caught my eye. So I have been taking the time to actually think and pray about this verse and I have been trying to see if there is more to this verse or not.
My thoughts have led me way past the fact that they are physically naked together and ok with it.
I am now thinking about them being naked with each other in a different way. I imagine them being naked in a way where their thoughts, feelings, beliefs, desires, dreams, emotions, intentions, opinions, and motives are all completely exposed. They could see everything about each other. The truth about each other was completely out in the open. There was genuine honesty between them. They were real with each other. And they were absolutely content with it. This would lead them to feel safe, secure, confident, beautiful, and all the fruits of the spirit, which Galatians 5:22 says are love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. This is the beautiful thing that God created. This is the way the world is supposed to be. It’s awesome.
But then they messed it up…everything changed when they ate from the tree of knowledge. The bible says in Genesis 3:7—Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they realized they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves.
Now they are still completely exposed, but for the first time, something feels out of place. They knew that they had sinned and they felt nasty and dirty. As they sat there and stared at each other, they saw dirt on each other. They felt weird seeing the dirt on each other. They knew how they were supposed to look and they started judging each other. With each of these thoughts, they became more and more dirty. At some point, they probably made the “ewww face” at each other because everything about them was exposed and they were covered with dirt.
The safety that they felt with each other started to fade because they were judging themselves and each other. Their security and confidence started to dwindle because they no longer felt beautiful. Because of all these thoughts, they felt the fruits of the spirit fading, not that they were, but other things were getting in the way of receiving them fully. They started to feel embarrassed, awkward, and ashamed. They were uncomfortable, self-conscious, and insecure. And they felt guilt.
All of these feelings made them feel more and more dirty. Finally they couldn’t take it anymore. They didn’t feel comfortable in their own skin. They wanted to cover up the dirt. So they decided to put on something that would make them look better. They felt that if they could just cover it up, all would be good. So then they stitched up some fig leaves and made clothes, so that they could cover up the dirt. But now they could hardly recognize each other because they were hiding behind a suit of fig leaves.
But, for a moment, they felt clean and safe again.
But in their hearts, they realized this is only a temporary fix. They knew they weren’t really clean. The dirt was lying just under the surface. This made them nervous. So then the fig leaves became a protective outer covering. They knew that as long as there were covered no one would really see what is wrong. But they now lived in fear, because they didn’t want the dirt exposed. They knew that if someone got too close, there might be a chance that someone could accidentally or intentionally remove some of the leaves to reveal the dirt. This absolutely petrified them.
The love and the trust between them…gone.
All they really want is to feel loved for who they are…good stuff and the bad stuff.
Today I came across an amazing Proverb that I feel speaks into what we all forget to some extent.
Proverbs 19:22—What a person desires is unfailing love; better to be poor than a liar.
My take on this…we all just want to be loved unconditionally. So it is better to be poor, to show your brokenness, to be open, to be exposed for who you truly are, then to lie about it and try to pretty yourself up and pretend to be something you are not. If you lie about who you are, you will live in fear and the love you receive you will feel is conditional. So you will continue to try to hide who you really are.
In this story, the man and the woman don’t have trust in each other anymore. They don’t believe that they will be loved for who they are. So they start to feel like the love for them is a conditional love. They think that if the other person knew their deepest darkest secret, they would no longer be loved. So they cover it up. They hide behind a suit of fig leaves.
If I am going to be completely honest with myself, this whole thing sounds way too familiar.
I now have knowledge of my mistakes. At one point in my life, I didn’t really. I lived in the darkness and that made it really hard to see the darkness in myself. But as I get closer to the light, I am beginning to see all the darkness in me…which for me, is really great in so many ways.
But I have also seen people’s reactions to the mistakes I have made. I have seen disgust on people’s faces as they judge me for things I have done. That makes me feel ugly. So I want to hide the ugliness to protect myself. So I don’t let people get too close to me. I don’t reveal the Kyle that makes mistakes. By doing this, I don’t let people love me. So I feel like I am being loved conditionally. I feel like I will lose the love from people if they find out the truth about me.
If you boil it down to why I do this, it is because I DON’T TRUST YOU. I don’t trust that you will love me with my dirt.
Whether you are part of my immediate family, my best friend, someone close to me, or someone surfing the web…you are not excluded from this statement. I don’t trust you.
For some reason, I won’t expose myself. I want to stay covered up.
So what I do is fall into the trap of believing that the Christian life is about how well I can hide my sins from people. I try to convince myself that if you can’t see my sins, then we will both believe that they don’t exist. This leads us both to believe that I am a really good person and an awesome follower of Jesus.
Which is what I want to be…so I get trapped in this endless cycle of trying to hide my sins. This is exhausting because you stay trapped in the darkness all by yourself.
So I have been debating…what am I supposed to do…
Do I continue to exhaust myself hiding my dirt or do I risk everything and commit to start peeling off the layers?
As they are posted, feel free to join me in my head during my next three blogs…
The Fall of Man: I Don’t Trust God
The Fall of Kyle: It’s Your Fault
Then check out my conclusion of how God is stripping away the my suit of fig leaves in…
The Fall of Kyle: Being Stripped
