To read the first two parts of this blog series, click on the links below…
The Fall of Kyle
The Fall of Kyle: I Don’t Trust You
If you recall, in my last blog, I talked about how I believe that Adam and Eve were naked with each other on more than just a physical level pre-Fall of Man and how beautiful of a thing that must have been.
Then I discussed what I think went through their heads immediately after they ate from the tree of knowledge. I talked about how they acted towards each other and how they viewed each other. The similarities that I found between how they started to interact with each other, how I act towards you, and how I view you shock me. I realized that I don’t trust you.
This is something that I am not proud of.
But what I am realizing as I continue reading Genesis 3 is even more disturbing to me.
I am realizing that I don’t really trust God…I say that I do…but when I really look deep into my heart, I can see that I don’t.
Wow…this is hard to have to admit to myself and to you…especially considering that I am on the World Race. I feel like I am supposed to have that one down.
Now, I guess I can pretty myself up and pretend that I trust God to avoid judgment from people. Or, I can be real and completely honest with you and with myself and tell you that I struggle with this. I don’t trust God.
But before I get into why my life models the fact that I don’t trust God, I want to back up a little bit to Genesis 2:25 again. It says , The man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
As I talked about in my last blog, when I read this verse, my first thought is only about the man and the woman and how they are naked and open with each other.
But I want to take this a step farther and throw God into the equation. After all, he does play a pretty big role in things.
So in the beginning, I imagine them being naked with God.
Again, they are physically naked, but there is so much more to it, so I want to take it farther than that.
Again, I imagine them being naked in a way with God that their thoughts, feelings, beliefs, desires, dreams, emotions, intentions, opinions, and motives are all completely exposed. They were completely exposed to God. God could see everything about them. They always told God the truth because they were genuinely honest with God. They had nothing to hide, so there was never even a hesitation to not be open with God.
It is so beautiful because they were completely comfortable doing this. Not only were they comfortable, but they were also willing to be this exposed. Because God made them feel safe, secure, confident, beautiful, and He showered them with all the fruits of the spirit, which Galatians 5:22 says are love, joy, peace, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control.
This original relationship between God and man was beautiful. This is what it was supposed to look like.
But this relationship changed when they ate from the tree of knowledge.
In the middle of this first totally awkward interaction between the man and woman…God comes walking back into the story.
In Genesis 3:8-10 it says, Then the man and his wife heard the sound of the Lord God as he was walking in the garden in the cool of the day, and they hid from the Lord God among the trees of the garden. But the Lord God called to the man, “Where are you?” He answered, “I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”
When I read the first part of this, I wonder why it was important to point out that God was walking in the garden in the cool of the day.
After thinking about it, I believe that God was walking in the garden in the cool of the day because this was probably the best time of the day. And I think that He wanted to spend the best part of the day with the man and his wife. And I bet He did this daily. I believe that He would set this time aside everyday so that they could sit, talk, and enjoy the most beautiful part of the day together.
He did this because He wants to share the most beautiful things with them…and I believe that they knew that God wanted to share the most beautiful things with them.
But on this day, when they heard Him coming through the garden for their usual meeting…something was different.
They were dirty and they had been sitting there all day with all of these new thoughts of judgment running through their heads. I am sure that these new thoughts were causing them to feel a little stressed. I am sure that they were sitting there scrambling to put the final touches on their new fig leaf suits trying to make sure that they were completely covered…when God came strolling in.
These thoughts of judgment raced through their minds and they started to wonder how God was going to look at them now.
And they panicked…
Why?
Right before all of this in Genesis 2:16-17 it says And the Lord God commanded the man, “You are free to eat of any tree in the garden, but you must not eat from the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, for when you eat of it you will certainly die.”
This quickly came back to their minds when they heard Him coming.
The one thing God told them not to do…they did. And their consequence for doing this…death. I can understand why they were a little panicky.
So again, I picture them sitting there trying to cover up their dirt as quickly as possible so it can’t be seen anymore. When out of nowhere, they hear the most amazing and beautiful sound of God coming though the garden. Instantly, they lock eyes while simultaneously saying, “Oh crap, it’s God. We can’t let Him see us like this. We gotta hide.”
Immediately their eyes start darting all over the place trying to survey the area as quickly as possible so that they can find the best hiding spot.
The hunter in me sees them looking down and realizing that they were now sporting fig leaf camo. They believe that this suit of fig leaves might prove useful for yet another purpose. They can use it to hide from God.
So they quickly ran over to the trees to try to blend in. When they get to the trees, they begin to investigate more carefully so that they could find the best spot.
For some reason, their eyes were drawn to a dark place in the shadows of the trees. So they quickly get in the shadows and hunker down.
The man looked at the woman and put his index finger to his mouth signaling to her to be quiet.
They hear the beautiful rustling in the garden coming closer…God is almost right on top of them.
Their hearts are racing a million miles an hour but everything is in slow motion. Their ears are completely focused and tuned in. They sit there and try not to move. They try to control their breathing and as God gets closer, they hold their breath so that He won’t hear them.
When all of a sudden the beautiful voice of God said, “Where are you?”
Game over…the man gave in…he knew he had been found. He sighed and closed his eyes as he stood up, came back into the light, and said, “I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid.”
So…I can picture all of this except for one thing. Why in the world would an all-knowing God ask where they were? Wouldn’t He know?
Through a discussion with a teammate, I think I have a glimpse into why. Let me share a personal story with you…
I have a good friend from back home in Minnesota named Carrie. We went to prom together. J
She has a son named Myles. He is one of the cutest little kids I have ever met.
This last summer, I was over at her house hanging out. Myles was running around playing with all of his swords and super hero toys. All of a sudden, I said something that must have provoked him because he challenged me on the spot to a sword fight. Scared for my life, I accepted the challenge.
We went back and forth dueling for a while. After one of these duels, we decided to play hide-and-seek. AWESOME!! I love playing hide-and-seek.
So I told Myles to hide while I was closing my eyes.
When I opened them, I was shocked because there he was…right in front of me, pressed up against the wall, trying to hide alongside this big wooden bear.
In my head, I laughed, “You have to be kidding me.” But I decided to play along. I couldn’t just walk over and find him…he would feel bad.
So instead, I started calling his name while I was searching for him. I would look under chairs and in drawers that a kid his size obviously couldn’t fit into. I started digging through his toy bin…no luck.
I scratched my head in confusion and asked Carrie if she had seen Myles. She also had no idea where he was.
But then I saw my shoe, and I pretended that I thought he was in there. So I started to sneak up on it. When I quickly pounced on it and looked in and yelled, “Gotcha!” he started to giggle.
So I perked my ears up to try to listen for where the sound was coming from…I still heard giggling. So I quickly looked in his direction.
He got quiet and then closed his eyes because he knew that if he couldn’t see me then obviously I couldn’t see him.
His theory proved successful.
Because when I got over by where I heard the giggling, I couldn’t find him, only a statue that looked like him. At first I thought that it really was him, but this thing didn’t even flinch…and when I called his name, this statue didn’t answer. So it couldn’t have been him.
So I turned around and began looking elsewhere, when I heard giggling again from behind me.
As I turned around, Miles quickly shot straight up and got stiff again. I inspected the statue again, but again…I concluded that it was an amazing life-like statue, but it couldn’t possibly be an actual child.
We kept doing this for probably 15 minutes…and finally he came out and said, “Here I am!”
So cute, isn’t it?
It is so cute to me. He was trying to hide from me and it was totally obvious where he was. He wasn’t fooling anyone. And as long as he wanted to play this game, I was totally fine playing with him. I would have pretended that I had no clue where he was for hours. I wanted him to jump out and surprise me. I didn’t want him to feel like he was found out. I wanted him to come out willingly. And eventually, he did.
God asks where they are because he wants them to come out willingly. He knows where they are. It is so obvious to Him. And He was willing to play whatever games they wanted to play until they eventually came out…because they were His children. I believe that part of Him thinks the whole thing is kinda cute.
So…how does all this apply to me not trusting God?
Well…I spend so much time judging others and making assumptions about how I am viewed. I want to be a good follower of Jesus, but for some reason I keep finding myself trying to come up with the best way to hide my sins from everyone.
Then God comes strolling into the picture when I am trying to hide my sins.
I realize that I have built this amazing camo suit of fig leaves. And I know that most people can’t see my sins…so maybe, just maybe, this camo suit will help me hide from God.
So I take off in a dead sprint, towards a place where there is no light. I look for the darkest place I can find and I jump in the shadows. As I hunker down, the darkness scares me a little, but in a way, I find comfort there. But a strange kind of comfort…I don’t feel safe or at peace. My heart is racing, my ears are locked onto any movement around me, and I am breathing heavy. But this place is familiar to me…because these places are my deepest darkest secrets…my sins that no one knows about.
And it is weird because it is both a scary and safe place all at once.
My deepest darkest secrets are a place I don’t want anyone to go…not even God.
Because in my eyes my sins are big…part of me wonders if they are too big for God.
What I am saying to God by not exposing myself and hiding in these places is that I don’t fully trust what He says. I am showing that I don’t believe that He will forgive me of all my sins. I am saying that I don’t fully believe that He will redeem all the bad things I have done. I don’t believe that He will forget my sins.
I can trust Him with the little stuff, and He saves me from the little stuff. But I question Him with the big stuff even when it says in Hebrews 7:25 that he is able to save COMPLETELY those who come to God.
HeIS able to save me from the big stuff…the really hard stuff…the stuff I hang on to because I am so afraid to let anyone else near it.
But for some reason…I still don’t think God can handle the big stuff. I don’t trust Him with the big stuff.
I don’t trust God.
And the result of this is I am only giving him part of me.
So…here I am…realizing that I don’t trust God. I want to trust God. I want to give God everything…and I am not.
I am trying to figure out what to do and how to do it.
Right now He is watching me…and He thinks that I look a little silly and cute because I think I am hiding really well, when I am actually doing a really bad job of hiding from Him. And He is ok playing this game with me. He is patient. He wants me to willingly jump out of my hiding place and say, “Here I am! Here is all of me…even the big stuff.”
But I can’t…
I know I am supposed to trust God. I say that I trust Him…but do I even know what that means?
As I post my next two blogs, I would like to invite you back into my head. When they are posted, click on the links below to get to them.
The Fall of Kyle: It’s Your Fault
And my conclusion and how God is stripping away my suit of fig leaves in…
The Fall of Kyle: Being Stripped
