“There’s this bridge. It seems to be never-ending. It hangs over a deep cavern. Made of wood planks with ropes as handles. Terrifying is the only word that seems to match what this bridge is. God’s next to me and he starts to walk on this bridge. So of course I follow because I know what that’s what I’m supposed to do, but the moment my foot hits that first wood plank and it begins to wobble I immediately back up.
No way. Nuh uh not gonna do this.
But God looks back and reaches out his hand. I go no way God. But still he holds out his hand until I take it. So I try again and hold his hand and the bridge is still wobbly. Immediately I hold on to him. “Can you carry me? Please?” He says, “I could but I’m not going to. I want to walk you through this”. Ugh why can’t he just carry me? That would be so much easier. He pulls me off of him, takes both my hands in his, and begins to walk backwards. How in the world is he not shaking as much as I am? With each step taken I wobble and stumble and my balance wasn’t good to begin with. I look over at the sides and fear grips my heart as I see how far down it is. I look back and am so tempted to just crawl my way to land.
“Look at me” he says. “Look at me. Forward. Not left, not right, not back, not down, not up. Eyes forward. Eyes on me Kyla”. “I can’t God, I can’t, I can’t do this” And I begin to cry. I’m so terrified. I want to follow him. I want to trust him. I want to walk with him. But I’m so scared. Scared I’ll fall. Scared I’ll fail. Scared of how wobbly and unstable I feel. Scared of turning back. Scared of not being good enough for this. For him.
But he put me on this bridge for a reason. It’s not in vain. This isn’t just for my good, but for his glory. And I know all of this. But am I actually gonna keep walking? Will I move my feet one plank at at time? Fear seems to grip my heart and squeeze it unbearably. I just wanna close my eyes. Pretend I’m not here. Maybe I can walk with them closed. But no. That’s not what he wants. He doesn’t want to coast me through this. He wants my eyes on him. He wants to teach me to trust him. To hold on to him. To step out in faith and walk one step at a time. No matter how absolutely, positively frightened I am, I can’t let my feelings stop me from moving. Moving towards the Lover of my soul. And he’s so patient with me too. He’s worth every terrifying step I take, and one day I’ll be so used to those steps I won’t even be as scared. I may be mad at him for making me do this, and scared of failing, but that doesn’t change who he is. Doesn’t change the fact that I’m still in the same place so I move. I step one step closer to freedom. A step closer to intimacy with God. Each step strengthening.”
This is such an accurate representation of where I am at right now. If I’m gonna be completely honest my walk with the Lord has been super rocky. I am hesitant to talk to him. Hesitant to bring him all my feelings. But I’m also mad at him. Still mad at him for making me do this. I’m still wrestling with him which makes me more mad because who wants to constantly fight with God? I’ve known this for a while, but I am a stubborn person. Completely stubborn. I mean I’m a pretty easy going person, but when it comes to certain things, I fight. And I fight hard. This is one of those things I’m stubborn about. But thank goodness our God is a God of patience and man he knew I needed that.
I don’t want to paint you guys this pretty picture because we all know life isn’t pretty nor easy. It’s messy. It’s raw. But it’s the life God has given us. And I wanna live it to the full extent. And in this season the Lord knew this would be hard for me. He knew I would fight with him constantly. He knew I would be mad at him.
But still he CHOOSES to love me
CHOOSES to fight for me
CHOOSES to pursue me
And that speaks to my soul in every single way
