I’m sitting, which is weird for me because I always stand when I worship. But I was sitting. Well, more like crouching. Actually, I was hiding. My knees were hugging my chest and my head was in my hands. I sat there as lie after lie after lie hit me. It felt as if each hit was a blow to my soul. Weakening my spirit. I tried to fight them. I tried to remember truth. That I am loved, cherished, and valued. But my own voice wasn’t strong enough to fight the voice of the enemy. Eventually after I couldn’t fight anymore, I gave in and his voice became louder and louder. The more I listened to the lies, the louder the voice became.
I looked up and around at my squadmates worshiping. It was such a beautiful sight. I wanted to sing. I wanted to praise the God I knew to be true, but couldn’t seem to feel. I wanted to join them, but it was as if there was this barrier, this wall, that entrapped me. Muted the song I so desperately wanted to sing. The wall got higher and stronger as the lies came flooding in as if they were bricks that were building this wall. And with my knees tucked and head bowed, for the first time in a long time I felt like a helpless child. Exposed for who I saw myself as. Weak. Incapable. Unworthy. Unwanted. Unloved. And the worst part was that I truly believed that. I truly saw myself as the complete opposite of how God sees me.
After the last song I wiped the tears that couldn’t help but escape my eyes, put my brave face on, and bolted as soon as announcements were over. All I wanted was to be alone. To do this myself. To try to fight this on my own, because I felt as if no one else would. But ironically being alone is near to impossible with forty other squadmates. However, I managed to find a way to be alone and get away from everyone for a little while. Only of course someone found me who happened to be my own teammate. And I, as usual, lied and told her I was ok. But then she said something that took me aback. She said, “You can tell me to go away, or if you need to be alone that’s fine. But don’t lie to me and say you’re ok when you’re not.”
In that moment, I broke. Something broke in me, but at the same time light began to shine through. That night became filled with crying and heartache. It became filled with vulnerability and pain. It became the night where my wall I had built up started to tumble down and it set my feet on a path. A path to journey with the Lord. A path where there is more pain and more struggle, but more of Jesus. Because there are lies chained around my heart, and one by one the Lord is unlocking them and breaking them (thank you Kate for sharing your vision with me). It is slow and it is a process. But this journey, it’s a journey where I get to see the Lord in new ways.
Where I get to know Him and He gets to know me. Where His voice becomes so much louder than the enemys. Where pain is real from the lies he has to cut down. Where I get to struggle and wrestle and fight for whats good. Where I begin to become who the Lord has made me to be, to believe the truth, and to live it out. Where I can confidently say that….
I AM loved, I AM worthy, I AM cherished, I AM valued, and I AM wanted.
And that’s not my voice saying this, but uttered by Jesus himself.
