Running.
Running as fast as I can.
Lungs burning. Heart pounding. Darkness all around. Trying to find my way through it all.
Fear all around. Fear elevating my heart rate. Faster. Faster. But I’m slowly running out of fuel. Out of oxygen. My lungs can’t keep up. My legs feel numb. My feet pound the floor.
Running.
Not to something; from it. And nothing is chasing me, I am just trying to get as far away as I can. Far from my flaws. Far from my faults. My imperfections. My insecurities. My worries. My fears. Everything. Everything bad in my life. Everything that isn’t perfect. If I run from my imperfections then I’m chasing after perfection. If I run from my flaws, then I am chasing after an image of flawlessness. If I am running from my insecurities, then I am chasing after to find a place where I feel secure. If I am running from my fears, then I am chasing after a state of being fearless. That is how it must work.
Right?
That is how it operates. That is how it “should” work. But it is not. It is not working. I am starting to realize running is not doing what I thought it would. It is not fixing my problems; it is making them worse. Because I am not running to something; I am running from it. I am running from the truth that I am not perfect. I am running from the truth that I have flaws and make mistakes. I am running from the truth that I am insecure. I am running from the truth that I am afraid.
All. The. Time.
Afraid of having the label ‘disappointment’ seared onto my forehead for all to see. Afraid of doing the wrong thing. Afraid I’ll always fear man. Afraid that that fear will keep me from being bold; being who I was created to be.
And because I am running away from the truth, I am running away from Jesus. Because Jesus is truth. And if I am running away from the truth, then I am running away from the Truth. I am running from the one I need to be running to.
But still I run.
Still my fear motivates every step I take and every breath I make.
But fear doesn’t expand my lungs, it constricts them.
Because fear constricts.
Rather than elongating my strides, fear tightens them.
Because fear tightens.
Fear is making me run, but it does not last. Eventually I fall down from exhaustion. Eventually fear is not enough to keep me running. Eventually I stop because fear was never meant to run my life.
I was never meant to run on fear.
I was meant to run on the Giver of Life. I cannot run without breath in my lungs. I cannot run without strength in my legs. I cannot run without light to show me where I am running to.
Who I am running to. The Way. The Truth. The Life.
This vision that the Lord gave me helped me understand what I had been doing lately. Running. Which is ironic because physically I hate running, but I do it anyways for self-discipline. But spiritually I should not be running even though that is my go-to. When I am afraid, I run. When I am angry or upset, I run. When something hard comes up, I run.
It is a habit that may never be broken, but one that I become more and more aware of each time I do it. And the more aware I become, the more I can recognize it and run back to the Lord; if I choose so. Because I can see that I am running away and choose not to do anything about it. But that would be choosing death over life.
And death is not an option anymore.
If Jesus died and rose again so that I could have life, then why am I am I choosing death?
If Jesus died and rose again so that I could walk in light, then why would I choose to walk in the darkness?
Hearing the truth can be hard sometimes, but Truth is kind enough to convict. Truth is kind enough to lead us into repentance. Truth is kind enough to correct us when we’re wrong and love us enough to discipline us. Truth loves me too much to let me keep walking in death and darkness.
Truth is the Way, the Truth, and the Life.
And it’s time I start running to him rather than from him.
Thanks for reading you guys. Seriously. I appreciate your time to hear my heart out.
-Kyla Cal
