“Naked. Exposed. Raw. Vulnerable. Open to attack. Open to hurt. Open to anything and everything. I stand naked before him. Not just physically but emotionally and spiritually as well. I try to run and try to hide, but he always seems to find me. Shame covers me because he sees me. He looks right into my eyes and sees my heart and into my soul. But he does not just see it, he knows it. I try to hide behind all my physical dislikings and insecurities, but behind all the physical is really where he sees though; the very thing I want to hide most from him. The burning question within my soul that seems to be plastered upon my forehead for all to see: “Am I enough?” The world has tried to tell me to add all these things to myself to be enough, but none of them have worked. Still the question my soul asks stays unanswered. And maybe it was because I was listening to the wrong voices. So I try to hide that question with others. Will I ever be enough to be loved? Ever be enough to be wanted? Ever be enough to be desired? They all root from the big question. The biggest desire upon my heart. The desire that he put there on p u r p o s e. The desire to be enough. And not just that; but to be enough as I am. Just me. Just Kyla. The raw, real, vulnerable creature God made me to be. But what if I’m not? What if he tells me the same thing the world does and says that no matter what I do I will never be enough for anyone. I stand before him anyways. Naked. Exposed. Vulnerable. The searing, heart-aching question of am I enough ingrained on my heart. I am so afraid he is going to say no. He sees the good but he also sees ALL the bad. All the things I hate about myself. All the bad things I have said and done. All the things that seem to scream that I am not enough. But he looks at that question yelling from within, takes my hands in his, and simply says, ‘yes’.”
This is an image the Lord gave me and this is probably one of the most vulnerable things I have written so far. Because deep down I feel as if I am alone; but that is far from the truth. I have seen girl after girl and guys too feel ‘not enough’. That they will never measure up to this standard either they set or the world gives them. For me I have never felt enough for my friends, for school, for sports, for my coaches, my teachers, and mostly God. I would strive and strive to make this mark of being enough that I would always somehow just miss. And I would add all these works to my walk with the Lord to try to prove to him my worth. Prove to him and to others that I am enough. But deep down on the inside that desire was never truly fulfilled. Ever.
There was still this longing inside of me to be enough. For anyone. So I looked to everything else but the Lord to fulfill that deep aching inside my soul. It especially came out around boys. Am I pretty enough for them? Smart enough? Cool enough? Funny enough? Desirable enough? None of them can ever give me a solid answer; and they were never meant to.
Because the one who put this desire in my heart is the only one who was meant to satisfy it.
So the question still stands, “am I enough?”. And the answer is yes, and no. No because there is this standard of perfection none of us will ever meet, but we do not have to because Jesus meets that standard for us. He met it on the cross. The blood of Jesus covers us from head to toe and when God looks at us, he sees his own son. He sees the standard of perfection met fully and completely. My belief in Jesus makes me enough. Because for him all he wants is my heart. He wants my soul. That longing question inside me he wants to answer. That aching feeling to be enough he desires to satisfy in me. So as I stand in front of him, naked and afraid, he takes me just as I am, because he does not want the false Kyla. The Kyla that hides behind a mask of perfection. This mask of ‘I have everything under control and I know exactly what I am doing’. No he wants the Kyla that lays down at night replaying a conversation where she felt not enough for that person. He wants the Kyla that tends to think of herself more than she thinks of others. He wants the Kyla that compares herself to every girl she sees and tries to measure up to their beauty amount or obtain something ‘they have’ that makes them more desirable. He wants the Kyla that strives to be this perfect Christian girl who loves everyone she meets and is not afraid of what others think of her. He wants the Kyla that just so desperately wants to be told that she is enough. That is the real Kyla. No filters, no masks, no hiding.
And when I get to that point, that is when he can start telling me who I really am. Beloved, daughter, child, chosen. This is where he can show me that I do not have to bring him anything except myself and that is enough for him. That I can start doing things with him instead of for him. To live this life with him by my side. That I can stop trying so gosh dang hard to get something I already have. Love, affection, and the fact that I am enough.
So for those of you who feel as if you are not enough; Not a good enough Christian, good enough mom or dad, good enough parent, good enough student, good enough anything, here me out: Y O U A R E N O T A L O N E. Stop trying to be enough for everything the world throws at you. Stop trying to be enough for God because you already are. Ask yourself, “if just me is enough for Jesus, than is being enough for just Jesus enough for me?” Then stop, rest, and let the Lord tell you who you really are. Then let him begin to take you on this journey called life together.
Thanks for reading, thanks for the support, and thanks for being you. Later gators.
-Kyla Cal
