When you first meet me I’m a pretty quiet person. Reserved and a little to myself. That’s how I’ve been for a while now. But if you really really know me, you know that I am NOT a quiet person whatsoever. I’m loud, rambunctious, roudy, and out there. When I’m comfortable around you I can finally relax and just be myself. Ask anyone I’m close to you and they will for sure back me up. They might also say that I’m passionate about alot of things. That when I speak I don’t speak words of emptiness, that I choose what I say carefully.
Growing up I never really spoke alot outside of my home. I remember keeping quiet because I felt sometimes that what I had to say was either stupid or dumb or irrelevant. It would either get made fun of or shot down completely. I chose my words carefully back then, as I do now. But the difference between then and now, is that now I realize how important my words actually are, because they’re from the Holy Spirit. I don’t want anything that comes from my mouth to not be honoring and praise worthy to the Lord. “Finally brothers, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things” -Philippians 4:8
I’m starting to realize now that I have a voice, and my voice matters. Because what the Lord has to say matters. But sometimes, actually alot of the time, the things the Lord wants me to say I am actually terrified to voice. The things that are important to say I have to fight the fear in me and actually say whats truly on my heart. And that’s not just out loud, that’s to the Lord too. Because how can I voice things out loud if I can’t even voice them to the one who asks me to speak?
So there’s this thing that God wants with all of us. Intimacy. Kind of a scary word if you ask me. Because this intimacy isn’t just I’m close with God, it means I’m CLOSE with God. It means I share whats on my mind and in my heart and there are ALOT of things going on there. I’m at the point where I’m starting to process some really painful things that happened in my life. Things that genuinely hurt my heart and cause me pain to remember and ponder on. Things that I have shoved down deep in my heart where no one can touch them. And those are the very things the Lord is pulling out of me and I do not like it. Not one bit.
I have come to a conclusion from this. I am fighter. And I fight God SO STINKING MUCH. Sometimes I don’t even know why he puts up with me because of how much I fight him. I fought him during the decision of whether or not I should go on the race. I fought with him to start this process. I fought with him on letting him into the deep parts of my heart. And now i’m fighting him on continuing processing and letting him heal the deep hurt. I fight him quite often and it is quite exhausting and honestly I don’ t know why I still fight HOW AM I NOT EXHAUSTED YET.
He obviously knows I’m a fighter and is so gracious and gives me freedom when I actually stop, sit, and listen to him. “The Lord will fight for you, and you have only to be silent” -Exodus 14:14. To be silent before the Lord is sometimes really hard for me, because all I wanna do is fight him on everything. But God is super cool, and he necessarily doesn’t want me to stop fighting. I mean he wants me to stop fighting him, but he wants me to direct my fighting elsewhere. To fight for whats good in this world. To fight for righteousness and justice and to open my mouth in boldness for those things. God intentionally put the attribute of fighting in me, so what if I allow him to use what I have always used as bad, for good? To learn to direct my fighting from him, for him.
Now that doesn’t mean I still won’t fight him, because oh man I will and I know it, but it shows me that I’m already fighting for whats good. Fighting to get closer to the Lord. To be more intimate with him. Fighting to fall deeper in love with him and to get to know who he really is. Fighting for his heart, because he always fights for mine. To first learn to fight for the Lord, before I learn to fight for whats right. You know the phrase I’m a fighter not a lover? Well, I’m a fighter AND lover (hence the title haha). And that is exactly who I am, but most importantly that’s who the Lord is. He’s my lover, and he’s my fighter. He’s our lover, and our fighter. So let him fight for your love, because he wants it.
