Since I started team leading I felt I have not been focused on blogging lately, and it kind of stinks. I love blogging. No, actually I love writing. I love pouring out my heart onto paper or the next closest thing: this word document. Sharing my thoughts and journey with those willing to come alongside me and be in the process with me. Making people feel things. Evoking emotion. Having people walk away thinking and knowing more of the Father.
But many a time I get behind my screen and freeze. All of a sudden this pressure lays on my chest and then my mind starts running a million miles a minute. “What do I even write about? Do I write about my spiritual journey too much? Do the people want something else? Because I don’t have anything ‘good’ to write about does that mean I am not a good writer? Does it mean that I am not walking through something worthy of writing about?”
And even as I type these questions I realize how ridiculous they sound. Why in the world would I be less of a writer if I have writers block? If that were so, then I would be less of a daughter if I didn’t walk in that identity… and that is FAR from the truth. If I choose to not walk in my identity as a daughter that does not mean I am any less of a one. So why do these questions swirl my mind? Why am I so afraid? What am I afraid of?
Not measuring up.
Not being enough.
Not being what people want me to be.
And I realize these lies are not just about my writing. It’s about me. It continues and seeps into my life. Into my walk with God. Into my relationships with those around me. Into me… being me. As a human. As Kyla Reese Calderon.
A couple days ago the Lord gave me a vision of a foundation. One made of bricks and stone. They’re mostly white except there are a few scattered red ones. What the Lord was speaking into me was that there are bricks laid into my foundation that do not belong. There are lies rooted into me and have been there so long that they have become a part of who I am. So He has been revealing what those lies are and smashing those red bricks to dust. Demolishing those lies that have rooted themselves into my identity.
The lies that say I will always struggle. That I will never get over them. That I will always find affirmation in men. That I will always feel not enough. That I will always strive. That I will always be afraid. That there will always be something wrong in me. That I will always be this way. That I will never be better.
Writing those statements was hard because they are so real. That is how I really feel. But I know that it isn’t true, yet I don’t believe it quite yet. Funny thing though, God knew I would struggle with this, so he has spoken something over me from the very beginning.
V I C T O R Y
Victory– the overcoming of an enemy or antagonist; achievement of mastery or success in a struggle or endeavor against odds or difficulty
“Kyla” Hebrew. Meaning- Victorious
My name literally means victorious. The Father knew exactly what he was doing when he named me that. Even though my mom technically named me, God picked it out. I am convinced.
Over the past several months people have also spoken that word over me. At my Project Searchlight in Georgia this past June my good friend Kate Paulson wrote me a little note that said, “Kyla: Victorious- you are worthy of your name”
Two weeks later at Training Camp my other good friend Ky wrote me a note saying, “your name means victorious. You are victorious because Jesus has already won the battle. No need to strive anymore. You will help your team/squad step into victory”
A few days ago my old teammate and current co Alumni Team Leader, Alyssa, gave me a picture of us from last year and wrote a note on the back of it and the first part of it said, “you are…VICTORIOUS. Victory comes from pressing into painful, tense things while also having confidence in the Father’s power…”
Hmmmm. God, what are you trying to tell me?
That I am not a slave to what I struggle with.
That my identity is NOT in what I struggle with.
That because Jesus is victorious and his spirit lives inside of me, that means I share his inheritance.
That because The I Am is victorious, I am victorious.
Dang. Really letting that soak in.
I definitely don’t feel victorious. But thanks that my feelings do not get to determine the truth. That I get the privilege to walk in victory over my struggles, fears, and insecurities because Jesus has already defeated them for me. I didn’t have to do anything. Didn’t even lift one finger.
It would be a shame if Jesus died on the cross and rose again for me and you to live in the very thing he defeated. Sin. Shame. Guilt. Struggles. Fears. Worries. Anxiety. Depression. Insecurities.
And if he has victory over those things, then why am I living in defeat? If he still lives then why am I acting like I am dead in my sin and struggles? If he has called me free why do I still put myself in chains? If he tells me I am victorious because he is, why do I not believe him?
I wonder what our lives would look like if we believed every word the Father speaks over us. Probably in freedom. Probably in healing. Probably sitting at the Fathers feet in awe of him. And that… that is what I want. To stare into the face of my creator and be transformed from one glory to another. To sit in his presence and experience the fullness of the joy he promises. To hang on every word he says. To sit in his lap and just be his kid.
He knew that I would struggle with walking in his victory he has placed over me. He named me something I was meant to walk in from the very beginning. If that is not the epitome of intentionality then I really don’t know what is. But I am really thankful that he loves me so stinking much.
Thanks for reading. Hope you enjoyed. Hope you walked away thinking and wondering what the Lord is speaking over you. Ask him; he’s eager to tell you.
-Kyla Cal
