Looking back on the fact that month one is almost over the only thing I can really think of is how humbled I have been. On the daily I question why in the world the Father would put me here. It is extremely humbling to be put in a position that you feel totally incapable/unworthy of. There have been so many moments where I feel so incapable…but that’s the point. I have to depend on him because I cannot do it on my own. When I’m encouraging someone and literally have no idea what to say, I have to ask the Holy Spirit what to say or even not say in the moment. It is in my weakness that his glory is shown.
And for the longest time I believed weakness was bad. That failure is the worst that can happen and would destroy me. But everyday I am learning that failure doesn’t define me, and alot can be shown about me with what I do with my failures. Do I crumble under the truth that I am not perfect, or do I listen to the Father’s voice and have him teach me something through it? It is a choice I have to make every time I fail. And there are times where I let it define me, and there are other times where I remember that I have the Holy Spirit living inside of me and can walk in authority and control over my thoughts. I have a choice of whose voice I listen to and live by.
I am also learning that being human is OK. Yesterday some of my girls got to see a really human side of me. And instead of saying that I should get myself together and get in control like I thought they would, they responded in love and kindness and support. They gave me words of encouragement and it honestly uplifted my spirits. My mindset of being perfect was called into attention and brought to the surface. I started to see that I believed that I needed to be perfect and that is what these people wanted from me. But they actually wanted the opposite. My girls told me that they admired me even more for showing them my human side.
Later that night I was talking with the Lord and it was messy and rough, but he told me something that came to a shock to me. He told me that he doesn’t expect perfection out of me, and that it was always something I expected out of myself. I believed that I had to be perfect for him and therefore others because that is what they wanted. And he told me that that’s a LIE. That he doesn’t want my works, but just me. That he made me a human being, not a human doing.
Because the truth is he loved me first. Meaning he loved me before I could actually do anything for him. That his love for me isn’t based off of my works, but it is unconditional and not dependant on me. Because I can try to be perfect for him all I want, but that isn’t what he wants, and it doesn’t change the way he looks at me. My worth and value are not placed in something changeable like my works and my failures; but it is placed in Jesus. Because he proved my worth on the cross and that is unchangeable.
And I can rest in the knowledge that my worth and value will never change, that my failures nor my works define me, and that being human is totally ok. That being human and showing it means I am being honest with myself and living a life of authenticity. The Father desires that for me and I desire that for myself.
Here’s to continuing being human.
Thanks you guys for reading. Seriously I’ve written so many of these and if you’re still reading them an immense thank you to you.
-Kyla Cal
