Confusion. It seeps into your mind and turns everything you think you know upside down. It turns every thought on its head one by one. The questions arise from within and demand to be answered. But there is no answer. This is no clarity.
It’s likes fog that comes with the morning. It’s like looking out the window during a heavy rainstorm. It’s like walking around in the dead of night. I can’t see. I can’t think. I can’t breathe. I can’t do anything except sit. Sit in the fog. Peer out the window. Stumble around in the darkness.
One moment I think I have everything under control and then boom. Confusion hits. Knocks me off my feet. Leaves me disoriented. Then in comes the fog. The fog that masks the doubt. That conceals the lies. That cloaks the enemy’s voice. Before I know it all of those things have made their way into my mind and surround me. Get me cornered. Get me to question.
Do I really know God?
Do I really know truth?
Do I really know anything?
Do I?
The moment those questions arise, the moment they become real. The moment they come into existence and reality I have to deal with them. I have to have and answer. But I am so bombarded with all these other thoughts and voices I can’t hear anything clearly. I can’t even hear myself. All I hear is…
You don’t know anything
If you really loved God you would not think those thoughts
If you really loved God then you would do better…be better
If you really loved Him then you wouldn’t struggle with this
If you really knew truth then you wouldn’t doubt at all
If you really knew him then you would know who you are
If, If, If
More questions
Am I actually free?
Am I actually healed?
Will I always struggle?
Will I always be this way?
Why can’t I be better?
Why can’t I just get it right?
Why can’t I just be enough and do good?
Why do I have to screw everything up?
Why why why?
Complete tailspin. Complete chaos. Complete confusion. This is what it does. This is what the enemy wants. To doubt the Fathers goodness. To doubt his heart for me. To doubt what he says to me. To question whether or not I can believe him. To question whether or not I hear his voice.
Then to sit in defeat. To sit in surrender to the lies and confusion and doubt. To succumb to self-deprecating. To give into being the victim.
And I sit here. Defeated. Allowing it to define me. Allowing my situation to define me. But, I don’t think Jesus died and rose again so I could live in something he overcame. I don’t think he made a way for me to the Father for the Father to tell me that I am defined by my situations, emotions, and circumstances. I don’t think I am meant to live like this. To live in a state that tells me I will never overcome my struggles. To live defined by anything other than God.
So I can choose to sit here, in my confusion, in the defeat that the enemy is trying to convince me that is there, or I can choose to stand up, take my Father’s hand, and walk in victory. Walk in freedom. Walk in the knowledge and truth of whose hand I am holding.
But that means I have to accept that I cannot do this on my own. He defeated death. He defeated sin. He was he one that did it all. Not me. I didn’t do anything. I just get to receive. But I cannot receive what he is trying to give me if I don’t let go of the things in my hand.
Let go of control. Of perfection. Of self-hatred.
Even in the midst of confusion, even in the midst of emotions overtaking, even in the midst of not knowing, I really do know. I know that I am deeply loved by my Father. I know that I belong to him. That I’m his kid. And that because I am his kid he fights for me. Is faithful to me even when I am faithless to him. Loves me still even when I don’t trust him. Is still my Father when I doubt that I am his daughter.
Because who he is does not depend on who I am, but who I am has everything to do with who he is.
So confusion, you don’t have any power over me no matter how much I feel like you do. Doubt you’re not allowed to creep in because I do know truth. Lies you can’t entangle me because truth lives inside of me. Plain and simple. Now it’s time to walk in the truth I know. The truth that lives not just in my head, but in my heart as well.
Thanks for reading. Thanks for listening to my heart. Thanks for coming alongside me in this journey called life. Hope you stay for the ride. Much love.
-Kyla Cal
