belief. an acceptance that something exists or is true, especially one without proof. trust, faith, or confidence in someone or something. (thanks google)
belief is alot harder than I thought it was. accepting what is true. accepting truth. the truth that I am loved and desired. that I am enough.
trusting that when God says he loves me he actually means it. having faith that he will protect my heart if I give it to him. being confident in the fact that God will release me from my bondage. release me from the lies that have rooted its way into my heart.
recently I came to a revelation; there are alot of things I know, but alot of those things I don’t genuinely believe in my heart. I don’t accept the fact that Jesus is the Lover of my soul. that He will take care of me. that I can trust him with my heart.
I feel like God is completely shattering the box I’ve always put him in and is completely redefining who he is. henceforth completely redefining who I actually am. so I’m gonna be honest here, I have absolutely no idea who I am. and I bet you’re thinking “how can you not know how you are? you’re a child of God. you’re beloved. you’re a daughter of the most high king.” yeah yeah yeah I’ve heard all of those titles before. but the problem is my heart doesn’t believe that. not one bit. because if I did then my behavior would be much different.
there is this lie that I have believed my whole life. I mean I’ve believed alot of lies, but this one is the one I live by out of daily. the one that dictates everything I say and everything I do. the one that has entwined its roots so deep into my soul that I know it is going to hurt when God rips it out. you ready? here we go
I am not enough
now some of you may have known this. some of you may see that my behavior does in fact stem from this lie. and it’s not that I’ve not known that has been something I always struggled with, but this lie, this lie isn’t just a lie. it’s a fact that I live by. it’s become a lifestyle choice. a mindset. and it has totally rocked my world once I realized that I actually, genuinely, honest to goodness believe it. always have. but hopefully not always will.
my whole life there have been events that have shown that I am not enough. and Satan has a fun time reminding me of how I will never be enough for people. how I will never be enough for Jesus. that no matter what I do, no matter what I say, and no matter who I am I will never be good enough for anyone or anything.
pretty awful right? thankfully that’s not where my story ends. there is something the Lord always gives; hope. hope that I am not who I think I am. that I am enough. because if I am enough for the Lord, than I am more than enough for people. but something holds me back from truly believing I am enough.
fear
fear that when I give myself completely over to the Lord I won’t be enough for him. that because I feel not enough for people I won’t ever be enough for God. that the true me won’t be enough for him. but I am reading this absolutely amazing wonderful book called “captivating” and I recommend every woman that walks this earth to read it because it is life changing. but there is this quote that has rocked my socks and it says “the more his we become, the more ourselves we become; more our true selves.” ok wow. so the more I give of myself to the Lord, the more I become who I am supposed to be. the more I listen to what he says than what I say, the more I believe that I am enough. The more I give of my heart to him, more of him I receive.
God is about to do something huge in my life. I feel it. He’s changing me from the inside out. literally. and it is the weirdest, most uncomfortable feeling, but I feel the Lord shifting deep within my soul. speaking to the depths of my heart. wooing me. drawing me into him. because crazy thing, he actually wants me. he wants my heart. he DESIRES me. he WANTS me. he PURSUES me. and he’s not going to stop until I am completely his.
kyla reese calderon. that’s me. now who is she really? that is to be determined, but for now she’s content learning about who God is first. then she’ll tell you who she is, and most importantly who she belongs to.
