Who am I?
A question probably not only asked by myself, but I bet by every person who reads this blog and every person on this planet has asked this question at one point in their lives. I mean who wouldn’t? Thankfully we have a God who does answer those questions for us, and faithfully He’s answered mine.
In my last blog I talked about how I’m in this boat with Jesus and I have to keep my eyes on him in order to not look too ahead at our destination. While I was in the Dominican Republic he asked me to leave this old “shore” which was my old identity, and to set sail with him and take a journey with him to a new “shore”. A new identity. So last time I wrote I was still on the ocean. But as we speak I’ve actually landed on this new shore.
Okay a little backstory. The last time I saw my biological father was when I was about 10. That was eight years ago. And it was only this past year that I realized that from that there was a seed of abandonment planted into me. It came out in every action I did and every word I said. I acted as if I was abandoned. For eight years it piled up and and the seed grew bigger and started to seep deep into my heart and take root. Then I experienced being abandoned by someone who I came to care for and love this past year as well which deepened the seed. It wasn’t until just recently that the Lord revealed to me that I identify myself as abandoned. I told myself that I am abandoned. But that was my old self. My old identity. I thought “well if I’m always being abandoned and left, that must be who I am right?”
WRONG
Imagine this wooden post. And imagine the word “ABANDONED” written on it. This post was staked on my old shore. That was how I identified myself as. Now imagine my boat on a new shore. Imagine a new wooden post on this one. Imagine a new word:
“CHOSEN”
If I could insert the shocked emoji I would. When the Lord gave me this vision I literally just sat there so in awe and speechless. I was shocked I had identified myself as abandoned for so long, but now the Lord has given me a new word. A new identity. That I am hand-picked, hand-fashioned by Him. That I am chosen.
But there’s a catch. To walk out this new identity I actually have to get out of the boat. God’s not gonna force me out of it, I have to accept his invitation to get out. And I am absolutely, positively terrified. I feel as if I can’t get out of the boat. What if I fail Him? What if I don’t measure up enough? What if God leaves me too? Abandonment is all I’ve known. I look back and laugh because of course God won’t leave me. He hasn’t before even through all my mess, why would he now? The whole knowing and believing difference is really coming into play here. Am I gonna let my fear override my trust in Him? Or am I gonna push past the what ifs and get out of the dang boat and live the chosen life like I am supposed to? Am I gonna believe what I know? I want to. I really desire to. But it’s a choice. A decision that I haven’t fully made and am trying to make.
So I’m gonna be pretty honest and vulnerable and say that I am seriously struggling with this choice. I know I will eventually make the right one and get out, but I want to do it sooner rather than later. I believe prayer is so powerful, and right now I ask for your prayers. The Lord is bringing up so many deeper roots and issues I didn’t even know about and I’m coming to the realization of how absolutely broken I am and how desperately I need Jesus. I feel a breakthrough for me is about to happen. I’m at the end and am so close to breaking through that finish line, but I need that little extra push to get me across and I believe you guys have a part in that push in helping me across that finish line. I recruit you all into praying for my soul and heart and am eternally grateful for those of you who choose to pray and/or have already been praying for me. Your prayers are never in vain. They do make a difference. You do make a difference even if you don’t realize it. So thank you, thank you, thank you. Until next time.
-Kyla Cal
