I am a Bride!

 I have noticed something in almost every country that we have been to, that just like in the United States girls and women are concerned about their appearance. In every place we have gone, except for Mozambique and Swaziland, women try their hardest to be something that the world wants them to be. It is amazing to me the demand for women to find beauty and self worth in what other people think about them. 

 This concept has been a huge struggle in my life for a few years. I developed an eating disorder when I was 18. It started out small as just cutting back on what I was eating, then led to not eating hardly at all. I did this for a few months, but then realized I liked food and couldn’t control my cravings for real food. Because of that I found that it was easier to be able to eat, but afterward just put my finger down my throat and throw up. When it first started I lost a significant amount of weight right away, but when I started throwing up I began to gain weight. I never told anyone about throwing up because my bones no longer stuck out anymore, and my body changed back to “normal” size. In me not telling anyone though it meant that I could continue doing what I was doing because no one would know. I never called it bulimia, because in my head I thought that if I didn’t call it that then it couldn’t be that. 

When I started the race I decided that I was going to stop throwing up, because I needed to be “perfect” if I was going to go around the world proclaiming the word of God. And if I believe His word than I would have to believe that I was made in His image to be like Him, to look like Him. But it’s not that easy. It’s not that easy just to overnight decide “I love the way I am, and thats all that matters”. It is a process, it is a battle. 

 I guess in me seeing the way women around the world struggle with the same thing, it has made me look at “Image” in a new way. I have seen the emptiness that girls and women have by trying to find beauty in the way the world sees them. I have seen the disappointment when girls look in a mirror and see something ugly that, to them, means no one will ever love them. I see them and my heart breaks. My heart breaks because I have been that girl, and somedays I still am that girl. 

 Eating disorders come in all different forms, and it is a battle to fight everyday. Mine hasn’t gone away over night, and to be honest, there are still days that I find myself surrendering to it. But I have realized through the last 7 and a half months that my beauty isn’t found on the outside. Cliche I know. But it’s true. My Daddy has never once told me that I needed to look a certain way to gain His love. He has never said I have to be a certain size to “win” his heart. Because beauty to Him isn’t found in looks, or outward appearance. Beauty to Him is praising His name. It’s crawling up into His lap and kissing His face. It is becoming that innocent little girl that He so perfectly placed into this world. The one that knew nothing of beauty, or appearance, or the importance of a mirror. My Daddy, He is different and His love for me is like no one else. When He looks down from Heaven and sees my hands high in surrender to Him, or when He hears my voice saying a prayer that is like music to His ears, then He says

  “That’s her, that’s my beautiful bride. She is the one that I love.” 

And I am confident that the man that the Lord so perfectly planned to be my husband here on earth sees me the same way. Because knowing that he is from God, than he has to love me the same way that his Maker loves me.