“Doubt is a luxury I can’t afford to have anymore”
I got to talk to a friend the other day and she asked me if I had experienced any spiritual growth in myself yet. Such a typical question, yet honestly I haven’t really given it much thought. I mean I know that I have grown spiritually, but I had never really taken the time to look at all the ways I have grown. So after talking to her I sat down and I began to really look into the first 2 months of the race and I began to see specific things that The Lord did in each month.
Month one in Ecuador God completely tore me up. He dug deep into all the things that have held me back for so long and He began to remove them. Month one was painful and although I enjoyed Ecuador and our ministry there, what God was doing was so evident. He was completely wrecking me and it was only month one. I became raw and real for the first time probably in my whole life. God messed me up.
Month two in Peru God showed me what it meant to be loved and to love people. He showed me how to love people in such a real way that I have never experienced. I began to really love my team with such a genuine love that really I’ve only felt for my family. I let them in and I let them love me with real love. I found what it means to be loved with unconditionally, in the middle of all that I am my team still loves me. In doing that I experienced so much joy and wholeness. I realized that God had to remove all of the things in Ecuador so that I could experience the freedom of love in Peru. So that I could really engage in our contacts there and really give them genuine love. And in that I fell in love with the town and people of Laredo.
After taking a look at the first 2 months I began to ask God what He was doing here in Bolivia. We are only here for 3 weeks and for half of the first week I had what I think was a parasite, and then last week I was blessed with Laryngitis. I say I was blessed with it because it was in the sickness that God moved. Last sunday I woke up with so much pain in my throat and chest that it hurt to move, and by that night I had completely lost my voice. I was unable to go to ministry for 4 days. So while my team was out saving children off of the streets, and playing with the children of El Jordan and leading Bible study with the men at Ken’s place, I was stuck at our house by myself with nothing to do but think. During the first 2 days my thinking gave room for me to begin to doubt why I was here on the race. I questioned why God would let me get sick, why I had to leave Peru where I found joy and happiness, and why I couldn’t just quit now. By the end of day 2 of my sickness I had convinced myself, or the enemy had convinced me, that I shouldn’t be here. One of our squad leaders just happened to be here that night so I decided I would talk to her about it. I told her all of the things that were going through my mind and she challenged me to spend the entire next day in prayer and just really seeking the Lord for answers. So the next day I asked God why He had called me here, why I couldn’t just go back to Peru, and why, if He wanted me here, did I have to get sick. I began begging God to answer me because at that point I was ready to get out of here and give up, and then He answered. He answered with a soft gentleness that only He can carry. He let me beg and fight and then with so much love and grace He began to speak. He told me that He chose me. That I did not choose Him, but He chose me (John 15:16). He reminded me of the word “perseverance” and the verse “Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him” (James 1:12). He told me to trust Him in what He is doing with my heart and He reminded me that I made a commitment to be here now and to give up my life at home to follow Him, even when it’s tough. He never promised that following Him would be easy, but He did promise that persevering through the hard things would bring victory. He also reminded me that He would fight for me all i have to do is be still and let Him (Exodus 14:14). I also learned that sometimes He gives us things that we can’t fully have yet. I don’t believe that God gives us sicknesses, but I do believe that He does what needs to be done to get us to listen to Him.
So Month three God showed me to trust Him. To trust that He is in control and that His plan and timing is perfect and that He does have a reason for doing the things that He does.
We have 6 days left here in Santa Cruz! Please be praying for my team and I as we finish out this month here. Sorry this blog was a little long, but I needed to catch yall up on what is happening in me. I love you all!
