This season of the spirit I have been walking through I have wondered where God has been. I have felt numb to him and to those around me. When people would often speak I just didn’t care and that is so unlike me. I couldn’t figure it out. The numbness wasn’t constant but it was there hiding and lurking ready to snatch away what my Father wanted to give me. I used to see God so clearly. He was shining bright always before me. I haven’t felt that recently and I have greatly missed it.
As I sit on bed arrest my mind wanders and I see my current illness as a fight between God and Satan. I literally can see them battling while I sit on the ground between them yet I am unafraid. Unafraid because I know who will be victorious. I see Satan wanting to end my race, wanting to keep me from the treasures God has waiting in the next two months. However God loves me too much to allow that so he’s using my illness to teach me more and grow me. My pride took a huge hit having to allow people to help me out. I hate not being able to do things on my own yet this time I had no choice. I had no choice but to trust God, my team, and my squad leaders. It took me getting sick to learn that at times depending on others is good.
As I looked around for God I became frustrated. I was on the other side of the world serving Him and I’m stuck in bed not allowed to get up while my team goes to ministry. I took the numbness I was feeling and drew it closer. If I was numb it didn’t matter where God was. Then I saw Him clear as day before me, calling my name, embracing me as tears streamed down our cheeks. Even through my numbness he loved me and cherished me.
As I lay in bed not able to do much more he sat with me. Those times I hadn’t seen him he was there. It was like a child learning to ride a bicycle without training wheels at some point you need to let go so they can try it out on their own. That’s exactly what God did with me. I was on my own but he was running behind me and making sure I didn’t get hurt. The numbness was Satan trying to take away such a precious thing. As much as God is before me and beside me he is also behind me. When we look back we lose our balance and I don’t want that. The numbness has lifted and I’m ahead riding strong into the last of this incredible journey with lessons to learn and people to love. I know that God is right there smiling and watching every step of the way.
