There’s one thing that I have hidden for as long as I can remember. It was something that I allowed to become normal but was a far cry from that. Until recently it was something not many people knew about me and those that did thought I had it under control but I didn’t. I was able to pretend so well that things were normal when they were not. I have struggled with Bulimia since I was thirteen. Yep over half of my life.
When I signed up for the race I knew that it would be a struggle but I thought that I could deal with it and escape it somehow. God saw it differently. He desired for me to walk in FREEDOM. He wanted his princess, his daughter to lead a life worthy of him. He wanted me to relent to him and give him my troubles and take control out of my hands. My Bulimia was a game of control. At least that was the lie that I believed for so long. I was able to go weeks without making myself puke but in reality those were few and far between. It was not a daily event but it could be at different times. It really just depended on my mood and stress. More stress meant more puking. It wasn’t a binge type of thing I would eat normal and listen to the lies in my head that I was just gonna get fatter. I was consumed with my weight loss but just added to my problem because I have a thyroid condition that makes it difficult to loss weight. I thought often if I controlled my food I would get skinny and then I’d be worthy. Worthy of God, Worthy of people, worthy of a husband. God shattered this and made me realize that I am worthy just because I am me. I am worthy because I am the daughter of the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. I am made in his image and loved by him no matter what I look like or weigh.
I struggled in silence for so long and the hurt dwelled deep within my soul. It took my honesty to tell my team my struggle and them to ralley behind me. They told me that before we left Honduras I’d be free. I didn’t believe them but they spoke truth. The last week in Honduras I was free. I saw a freedom that I didn’t know existed. I saw myself as beautiful, a daughter of the most high. I saw my courage and strength in new light. It has been nearly two months and the thoughts of Bulimia no longer exist. My Father healed me because he loved me, because he wanted me to experience freedom in all its fullness. I could not see him for all he was with my struggle looming between us. I can now say confidently I no longer have the desires of Bulimia. I walk in a new light with my Father. It took me two months to share this for fear of what others would think but God continually challenged me to write this so here it is. My deepest, darkest secret for the world to see and know that I am forgiven of it and free from it. My God is great and my life belongs to him and the FREEDOM I experience is glorious.
