Its been 4 years 1 week and 2 days since I last prepared my heart for death. That sounds a little gruesome, I know. Let me explain.
This life i’m living isn’t the life I have always lived. I grew up in a Christian home, church every Sunday and youth group every Wednesday, this was the routine in our family and i fallowed it. But when things didn’t go the way I wanted them to go, when God didn’t answer my prayers, I chose to walk away. I thought if God couldn’t give me what I wanted I would go out and do what I wanted.
The ‘freedom’ I felt was amazing, no rules no boundaries, just me living the life I wanted. I always had something to do, someone to hang out with. It really seamed like i had everything i could ever want. Work all day party all night, that was my life and I loved it. I can honestly say that some of the most fun I have ever had were in those years! But something started to change, i don’t quite know how to explain it. It happened slowly, like a fog creeping in. I would be in a room filled with people, and i would feel alone. My hangovers stopped being hangovers and started to be depression. Instead of waking up and being hungover for a day, I would wake up and be depressed for multiple. I didn’t know who i was, over the years i had put on so many masks that i didn’t know the real me. I would get off work and as i drove home i would start to sob, I didn’t know where the tears came from but they were real. I would drive around long enough to control myself, let my red and puffy eyes return to their normal state. I would pull up, put on a smile and get back to my life. I couldn’t let anyone know what was going on, i didn’t even know what was going on.
Soon I started to think about death, it was on my mind every day. I would see crosses on the side of the road and wonder if that would be me one day. I would hear of someone that died and wonder if that’s how i would go. I would see death in everything, the show ‘1000 ways to die’ became my reality. Deep down I knew I was preparing my heart to die. I didn’t know how or when it was going to happen but i knew it had to be soon.
Finally the fog that surrounded my life became too thick to bear any longer. I felt like i was standing there looking around and I couldn’t see anything, the fog was too thick. I was to scared to move forward because i couldn’t see what was in front of me. I knew I needed a change. I knew that if i really was going to die, I needed to prepare my heart one last time.
I woke up hungover and called a friend i knew went to church and had him save me a place. I walked in to that building and I felt alive, I felt love. What I didn’t feel was alone. I cant remember if it was the second, third or forth time I went to church but I do know it was November 10th 2010. I walked in and that message was meant for me. Every song that was sung, was a song I needed to hear. The message the pastor gave was spot on what I needed to hear. I thought had this man been reading my journal? How did he know? That day I prepared my heart to die for the last time. I made the best decision i could have ever made, I gave my life to Jesus Christ.
I realized that the life I was living only looked like freedom but the truth was I was being weighed down by chains. Chains that refused to let me go, chains that refused to let me see hope. Chains that wrapped around me so tight that they started to suffocate me. I had tried many things in my life to break those chains, but nothing worked. There was only one that could break these chains.
Psalm 107:13,14 Then they cried out to the Lord in their trouble, and He saved them out of their distresses. He brought them out of darkness and the shadow of death, and broke their chains in pieces.
If I were to say that these last 4 years have been the easiest 4 years of my life, I would be lying. If I were to be real I would have to tell you that these last 4 years have been challenging, I have messed up many times and sometimes I think it would be easier to go back to my old life. But the truth is that with the struggles, with the moments of doubt, through my failure I have never been more alive. I have never felt more loved. God has blessed me in so many ways. He has put amazing people in my life. He allowed me to go to bible college in England. Now He is giving me the opportunity to go out and show people the same love that was poured out on me. I have been given the opportunity to be His hands and His feet, not just here at home, but around the world through The World Race.
I am still in complete awe of the things the Lord has done in my life in such a short amount of time and I’m even more in awe with the things and the people He has entrusted to me with. I don’t know why He has chosen me, but I am so thankful that He did. I’m going to do everything I can not to let Him down. Truth is I will mess up, I will fail from time to time, heck maybe every time. But I’m not going to give up. We don’t know what God is capable of accomplishing through us, unless we are willing to take a risk. I know that there will be times on the race that I will fail, and I know there will be times I will want to give up, and i know my heart is going to be broken. But I also know that if I don’t try, I will never know what I am capable of when I let God work through me.
In remembrance of my spiritual birthday, I just want to say thank you to each and everyone of you who have supported me on this journey, who have prayed for my salvation and have encouraged me in my walk. I also just wanted to share a bit of where I have come from and how thankful I am that the Lord has never given up on me. November 10, 2010 will be a day I will never forget because its the day I finally got my heart right with God. Now I know whether I live another 70 years or 70 days, my heart is ready and on that day I will be in heaven with the one true King.
