Dearest Shame,
I always try to avoid eye contact when you are near. When your eyes pierce mine, I become hollow. Everything I have done is wasted, tainted because of you. My memories take on a new filter that didn’t make the cut on instagram, it is too dark and distorted.
I’ve been learning a lot about myself lately. I’ve learned that you trained me to say sorry for unnecessary things to keep me small. Sorry for taking up space. Sorry for being myself. Sorry for falling short of your expectations.
Perfection is your weapon of choice in my life. You put this non existent expectation in my mind. In everything I do, I strive to meet it. I’m human, so I never do and then you make me apologize again. It’s a sickening cycle. I remember when I first started wearing you like an oversized T-shirt, a protective armor. Hiding my body from the world, I apologized for not meeting the expectations of it. “Suck in,” rings in my ears. I have heard it since I was probably ten. “Kristy, lighten up a little.” My personality is either too loud or too quiet. It depends on the day and the audience, but either way I am putting on a show. I learned how to hide imperfection and try my best not to end up in the frontlines of anything. I went through a basic training of how to position my body in pictures and filter the truth of my personality for the world. I hid in the trenches during battle and prayed that comparison and unrealistic expectations wouldn’t win the war.
You were an ally to fear for a long time. You used it to keep me from being seen. You wanted to keep the sinking feeling in my chest near whenever eyes were truly on me. You make me apologize for being in the attention and then retreat back to the sidelines.
Shame, you’re lethal. You have the capability of crippling men and women of all ages, colors, shapes, and sizes. You are exceptionally talented in the art of taking us down. I don’t know how you got such a hold over us. The enemy allowed you to enter our society in the form of mom/dad shaming, slut shaming, and self shaming. You are in his army, but your side never wins.
I’m imagining your surprise as I raise my white flag. I surrender. I’m done fighting you day after day. I have a God that fights for me and it is about time I start relying on him. The war is already won.
Shamelessly,
K
