20 Seconds of Insane Courage

She sat with her legs crossed on the hotel room bed, head in her hands, crying because she didn’t want to say goodbye. It was early in the morning, with her family heading out to head back home. She had spent the night unable to sleep because she knew she wasn’t saying goodbye to some people for a day, but for a few months, and for her, that’s a long time. For her life, she has had to say goodbye to people she loves for months at a time.

I witnessed some of it: she had just spent a week with most of the people she loves, and a couple who she only sees a few times a year. She spend a week in the pool, at the beach, at dinner, putt putt golf, go karts, and no one leaving her to go to work or having to go to school herself. But that time of vacation had come to a close because life outside of vacation continued to go on, despite everyone’s desire to have time stand still. But time, despite our prayers, goes on. The sun continued to rise and fall even though the wish of the people around her, and myself to make the sun stop rising. And as much as I wanted to freeze that moment and hold her forever, keeping her young, it didn’t happen that way. I couldn’t make the world stand still for her as much as I wanted to.

I find myself emotionally in the same position so often, but particularly in this season of goodbyes. That scene was so fitting for the emotions that I am beginning to feel as I experience one season full of lasts: a last vacation, a last six flags trip, a last Thanksgiving, last tests, last watermelon, last trips to see the Christmas decorations at the store for the first time and a last holiday season. I find myself wanting life to stand still. In a way, I dream of this season’s end, but in some ways, I don’t want it to stop. I really do love my life. It’s a crazy one, but it’s mine. The people, the travels, the smells, the coffee, the work, the school work, the food, the laundry; the spectacular and the ordinary; the family, the ones who have become like family, friends, boyfriend, and classmates.

I stink at saying goodbye. Our squad is working through some goodbyes already. Our squad had to have 9 ladies move to other squads. That happened (and yes, I am still on the same one) and with that came goodbyes to some friends who I have not had the chance of hugging in person yet, but I already felt a bond with them. I have spend a week already realizing how much I hate goodbye, even when I haven’t actually met them in person yet. I am thrilled to have friends on other squads, but I was looking forward to the relationships with those women as we were on the race together that I won’t actually get to experience.

To grow, we must change. We must face our own fears head on, and work through the tough days because the best days of our lives are around the bend. I hate change. I love my normal, routine filled life just fine. But in order to grow, I must change and face the very fear that I let hold me back for a lot of years.

Here’s to the changes, the unexpected ones, the ones that came from left field but have life altering abilities in my world. And here’s to looking fear in the face, and saying to it, “Have you met my God?”

“All it takes is 20 seconds of insane courage and great things will happen.” Benjamin Mee in The Zookeeper

The remains of the incredible food we ate this weekend.