This month so far has been a struggle spiritually for me. I can honestly say that I felt closer and more connected with the Lord at home between training camp and launch. The problem? I felt more of a desire for the Lord in wanting to spend time with Him, talk to Him, and connect in any way possible. Since arriving I have been praying for the Lord to give that desire back to me. That longing to be near Him.
I downloaded a book entitled When I Don’t Desire God by John Piper before leaving home. I knew that it could be a very real feeling at some point over the next year; and who doesn’t like John Piper? Ha. So I began to read it, seeking an answer or reasonable explanation for my lack of desire. In the process of going back and forth between this book and the Bible, and trying to understand my feelings, I managed in my desperation to put together this prayer:
Dear Lord create in me a clean heart and renew a right spirit within me. Cast me not away from your presence and take not your Holy Spirit from me. Restore in me the joy of your salvation, and uphold me with a willing spirit. Help me to be satisfied with your steadfast love in the mornings and throughout the day that I may rejoice and be glad throughout all my days. Who do I have other than you? Help me to desire nothing other than you. To be satisfied with you as my portion forever. Remind me that your steadfast love never ceases and your mercies never end. Great is your faithfulness. Teach my soul to hope in you, Lord. Amen.
(Ps. 51:12. 63:1,3. 73:25-26. 90:14)
Then it happened. Today I read the most devastating thing I may ever read, “Desire is awakened by tastes of pleasure. The taste may be ever so small. But if there is no taste at all of the desirability of something, then there will be no desire for it”. As I sat cool as a cucumber in the back corner of a local coffee shop next to my teammate, my inner self was crushed. “Can this be? Have I simply not experienced the Lord’s greatness?”
I knew that I needed to keep reading because clearly the story wasn’t over. As my anticipation grew stronger by the second and the paragraphs grew longer, I stumbled across some words that impacted how I will live the rest of my life. “In this age that is frustrating. We kick ourselves that our cravings for lesser things compete with God as the satisfaction of our souls. Rightly so. This is a godly grief. We do well to be convicted and penitent. We know that we have tasted pleasures at his right hand, and that our desires for them are pitifully small compared to their true worth. It is helpful at this point to be reminded that our desires—no matter how small—have been awakened by the spiritual taste we once had of the presence of God. They are an evidence that we have tasted.”
BOOM. *Mic drop* HALLELUJAH! So instead of praying to desire God, I should pray to delight in my desire for Him because I do actually desire Him even though my desire seems so terribly inadequate. In reality, my desire for the Lord is continually growing, but I get lost in the fact that I’m not continually on fire for Him. It doesn’t mean I lost my connection with Him, it just means that I’m human and the Lord and I have a very real relationship full of struggles, longing, joy, humility, and growth.
I was originally planning to update you with a logistical ministry set up, but you are my supporter and I want to honor that by being real and sharing every part of this journey with you. Highs, lows, and all the messy stuff in between. So check out my next blog to find out all the details of life in Novi Sad, Serbia!
Also, check out When I Don’t Desire God: How To Fight For Joy by John Piper! I haven’t even finished chapter 2 yet and have already had such major revelations in the Lord!
