Lying in bed, tears streaming down my face. My deepest desire is to be home. I can’t do this anymore. Not another day in this village. How am I going to find a plane ticket? I’ve got to figure this out. I can’t make it nine more months. I just can’t. I can’t go home either. Not after only three months. I won’t be able to face myself if I quit now. But I don’t want to be here another minute. What about all of those who have supported me? How would I ever face them? I’d be such a failure. And what about God? Ugh. He put me here for a reason so what’s my excuse for leaving? “God, just send me home. Whatever it takes get me out of here. Lord, take away my funding. That’ll do it. That’ll allow me to go home and not feel like such a failure.” Or would it?
These thoughts ran through my mind for what seemed like hours while I laid in bed sobbing. I managed to eventually clean myself up enough to show my face in the common area of the house. I grabbed some water, a book off the shelf, and curled up on the couch. I managed to settle in for all of two minutes before our squad leader, Drew, pulled his headphones out of his ears and asked if I wanted to talk. We sat out in the pavilion as night fell around us. Me using every bit of energy to fight back the tears and him asking questions to help me process all of my sadness. It felt like someone was finally beginning to understand my state of mind. Actually, it felt like I was finally beginning to understand all that I was feeling.
After sharing all that I had realized with my team, they surrounded me with love and have been fighting to help me process ever since. Helping me to conquer the fog that I feel submerged in. So far, this is where we’ve gotten to:
I sat down one evening to try processing in my journal. “Why am I not happy here? I have no connection to home and nothing is familiar. I desire to be present in the lives of my friends and family. I don’t understand or know my place in the Kingdom or why I am even in Malawi.”
This month has been a tough one. I believe the saddest truth is that I’ve had a very hard time being present where we are because we don’t have any internet access. We literally have to hop on a bus once a week and ride two hours into the city for wifi. I had no idea until now just how dependent I am on having a connection home. With internet I can regularly communicate with my family and friends. Without that ability, I find myself in a state of worry and wonder. “I wonder what they’re doing right now.” “Oh! I have to remember to tell __ about this!” “That reminds me of __!” “I wonder if __ is doing okay?” Wow. I keep thinking back to training camp when one of our coaches, Darla, warned us about not being able to function well if we keep one foot in America and the other wherever we are.
Another struggle this month is ministry itself. Don’t get me wrong, now. This ministry is incredible! Personally, though, I’m having a hard time belonging. We’ve been working mostly with kids in the after school program. If you know me, then you know how I feel about kids. They’re cute from a distance, but I have no clue how to interact with them. Unless they just simply want hugs, otherwise I have no idea how to play with or talk to them. Children’s ministry was not in my programming. Ha. That’s our ministry this month, though! So, I feel like I don’t have purpose here. I still don’t know my spiritual gifts, I don’t know how I fit into the Lord’s Kingdom (other than simply being His daughter). I just don’t know.
This feeling, plus the holiday season, and having no connection home, equals a big ‘ole storm of whyyyyyyy…..
But here’s where the storm meets its match:
I clearly have purpose here. Even in this ministry setting. God brought me here- on the race, to Malawi, to Madisi, at this time of year. Why? Well, if anything, He is teaching me some hard lessons. I wouldn’t have realized the dependence I have on my connection home if He hadn’t brought me here. With that, I wouldn’t have learned to lean on my team as much.
I’ve learned that part of my homesickness is rooted in fear. Fear of missing out on life at home and fear of losing someone I love while I’m so far away. That fear, though, comes from me not trusting God with my life and the ones I love back home. Ouch. Well, that’s convicting. Really, though, its hard to give those things that I hold so dear to my heart over to the Lord. To someone I cannot actually see.
The beauty of it all is that because I do love the Lord so much, I get the chance everyday to surrender and sacrifice the people I love so dearly. I get the chance to continually say, “God, I trust You with the people that are so close to my heart.” I get to choose God over everything else every single day.
Matthew 10:37-39 says “Whoever loves father or mother more than Me is not worthy of Me, and whoever loves son or daughter more than Me is not worthy of Me. And whoever does not take his cross and follow Me is not worthy of Me. Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for My sake will find it.”
If God can sacrifice His only Son because of how deeply He loves me, then can I not trust Him with my family, friends, and life back home? Duh.
For now, though, God has a purpose in me being where I am right now. What is that purpose? I do not know; but even in this struggle I have faith, and know that He is here with me. Right now I’m learning and growing. I’m in the safest place that I can be after all- His will.
“…We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope.” Romans 5:3-4
I have hope and trust Him enough to know with certain that one day I will return to my friends and family. For now, though, I need to open my eyes to the world around me and start loving the people in front of me like Jesus does.
“I have said these things to you, that in Me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart, I have overcome the world.” John 16:33
Update: Thursday, December 28.
I wrote this last week, but its still true and still a struggle. In the last few days, when I find myself in times of deep sadness, I realize that I’ve actually been verbally saying “God, I trust You.” It doesn’t exactly take away my feelings of sadness, but it changes the nature of the sadness. I’m always going to have moments of sadness because I miss my family and friends, but because I keep trusting the Lord with their lives and mine I can literally just be sad about missing them. Hallelujah.
