Today's blog is being written from the library. Why? Because I no longer have a laptop and can't afford to buy a new one. I once had my own personal laptop and I gave it away because I felt like the other person needed it more than I did. I worked a job that provided me a laptop for both personal and business usage. Not only that, but many of my clients provided me with a separate laptop that was configured for use with their organization. I always had at least 2 laptops in my possession to use whenever I wanted, and I very rarely even opened my personal laptop (which often made 3 laptops) that was given to me as a graduation present. I didn't need it, but I knew someone who did. Giving the laptop away was a no brainer to me.
Now I'm sitting at a library, using a box computer, feeling like everyone's eyes are on my screen, and distracted by the person with headphones turned up so loudly that anyone within a 100 ft radius can hear what he's listening to. It's literally so loud!! I'm not sure how he can even stand to have the earbuds in his ear. Boy has the library changed since I was a little girl … I thought the one concept that everyone respected in a library was that of quietness. I stand corrected!! But, I digress ….
I soooooo wish that I could be in the comfort of my own home. I'm not very comfortable here. The lady who issued my library card gave me "filtered" computer privileges because she thought I was a teenager. And I just got a popup saying "Your session will end in 10 minutes. Please save/and or print any documents and close all programs BEFORE your time expires". So I'm gonna save this now and come back in a few ……
Apparently, God will turn our mourning into dancing, take away our rags and clothe us with joy & gladness, and create in us a clean heart that will make you give away your laptop to be replaced with a library card! LOL (I know that was funny, whether you want to laugh or not! lol).
I know that I sound bitter, but believe me, my attitude about "what I'm losing" is better than it was before. I'm sure that I have quite a way to go. As amazing and exciting that this World Race is, it isn't all glamorous and it doesn't come without sacrifice. I have a feeling that I haven't even scratched the surface of what sacrifices will be asked of me. But through it all, my objective is to be transparent and honest. In my blog, I want to speak to the fears that many of us have and the reasons behind them. I have known fear. I've been afraid to trust, afraid to love, afraid to be happy, afraid to let go, afraid to confront, afraid to speak up, afraid to cry, afraid to confess, afraid to just be! Many people would never have guessed this about me because of the confident, successful, unemotional, strong willed MASK that I've worn for many years. Fear is crippling and more dangerous than any of the things that you are afraid of.
Right now, I'm a little afraid of being seen as common. Afraid of running into people who I used to "run with" but am no longer able to keep up with their lifestyle. Afraid of having to tell people no, when I'm accustomed to always being able to help and provide. Afraid of doing my own manicures and pedicures!!! (YIKES!)
But this library card isn't all that bad. The library is really nice (only a couple years old) and literally right across the street from my house, so I can walk here whenever I want. I'm sure I'll get the chance to meet people whom I never would have met before, and possibly even get the chance to be a light and a blessing to them. The hours of operation will help me become better at managing my time, rather than wasting hours and hours surfing the web for useless stuff. I'll become well-read and entertained by the plethora of books, audio books, DVDs, and CDs at my disposal. And the music blasting from ol' buddy's headphones isn't all that bad. I'm kinda feeling the jamaican soundtrack that I'm currently subjected to. To sum things up, I can't be an overcomer unless I have something to overcome. I'm determined to overcome all of my fears, one check out at a time.
Be Blessed.
