In my last blog I talked a little bit about my re-entry and the minor breakdown I had when I tried to wipe 11 months of my life from my memory. Well, I wanted to go into more detail about where that breakdown stemmed from and how I allowed the Lord to minister truth to me.
Since Project Searchlight had ended and I was settled back at home, having already reconnected with most of my friends and family, I finally had time to myself. House to myself. All alone. Just me and my thoughts. I can tell you that this is a very dangerous place to be if you don’t guard your free time properly. I didn’t guard mine. I spent my idle time thinking about all the things that I wanted but didn’t have and perusing Facebook. I saw photos of friends who were vacationing over seas. True, I’d just spent a significant amount of time overseas, but let’s be clear, the World Race is FAR from a vacation! So, I thought long and hard about what my life would look like if I never went on the World Race, and decided that I wanted that life back. I probably would still go to heaven. I was a good girl. I was active in the church. Did I really have to give up everything? Why can’t I have it all?
These ponderings and simple introspections spiralled into fear, doubt, worry, and regret. I regretted going on the World Race. Why? Because my idle thoughts led me to believe that I should be like everyone else. But one thing that I did learn on the Race was how to catch destructive thoughts and recognize them for what they truly are, lies. I also learned how to fight those lies, by speaking them out and seeking the truth.
1) I prayed about it and began reading my Bible. God led me to 2 great scriptures: Matthew 16:24-27 & Philippians 3:7-11
I encourage you to read them for yourself
2) I went to my community. I told a couple people what I was struggling with and allowed them to speak truth over me
3) I eliminated the source of my distraction. I deactivated my Facebook account for a while because I recognized the negative affect it had on me in my fragile state. There is NO room for compromise in the Kingdom of God. Our enemy is ruthless and will stop at nothing to destroy you. We must be just as determined in fighting back and block every entry way that he has to attack us.
After doing this I was finally in a place to hear the Lord, something that I was desperately seeking. Seeking Him is critical to finding Him. I want to share what I heard Him say, because I have the feeling that I’m not the only one who needed to hear this truth.
“I can and will turn your temporary losses into eternal gains. Losing what you love in this life does not mean you are losing out. I am a good Father. I want ONLY the best for you, but I also want the best of you. I knew that as long as you clinged to things of this world for your security, you would never fully hold on to me. Know that I am not trying to merely take away all that you hold dear; I simply want to become your most prized possession.
The work that I’ve done in you is not a temporary one, and it wasn’t just for you to get through a season in your life. No, you are being refined … Forever Changed. Let go of the things in your past, they aren’t beneficial for you or for what I want to give you. Only cling to me. I can not and will not put new wine in an old wineskin. If you desire my new wine and my fresh annointing, you must become new and remain new … Forever Changed. No one has ever made an eternal impact on the world by aspiring towards the status quo. Status quo results in mediocrity, but I have called you to greatness … Forever Changed”
It was after this little conversation that I realized I would never be able to rid myself of the World Race and I’d never go backwards. I knew in my head that Jesus is more precious and more satisfying than anything else, but I needed to connect the dots from my head to my heart. The LORD used the Race to show me a struggle and a dependency that I never knew I had. I didn’t know that I could be jealous of what other people had. I didn’t know that I would settle for simple Christianity (aka going to church, giving an offering, & saying grace before meals) if it meant I would live comfortably. I never knew how highly I regarded the things I had and my social status. He searched the depths of my heart and wasn’t afraid to go to the dark, ugly, and hidden places, especially if it meant I would be complete, sound in mind, and pure in heart.
I’m thankful to discover, like Paul, that everything I once thought was valuable was actually worthless when compared to the PRICELESS gain of knowing Christ. The brokenness is good for me, and God is still breaking me! His love is timeless and endless. He is still loving me, refining me, and arming me for battle. The enemy is no match for the weapons in my arsenal. I thank God for victory over this. I thank Him that I am an overcomer because He who lives in me has already overcome!
