If you read my blogs, my newsletter, or know me personally and keep up with what's going on in my life, you already know that I've been in a season of change for a few months now. I'm still in that season; and while there are many external things changing in my natural circumstances, I'm starting to notice an internal change as well. I don't necessarily consider it to be anything major, but I'm told that I tend to downplay things, so I'm sure it's a bigger deal than what I want to admit to. I also don't think that anyone else notices the change other than me. It isn't because the people around me aren't paying attention or because they aren't perceptive, but it's because I don't let people in to the deep levels of my life.
I can honestly say that over the past 8 years, I have never been completely open, honest, and transparent with anyone …. NO ONE.
I've intentionally maintained surface level relationships and friendships. I don't mind helping others work through their issues or listening to someone else's problems and worries, but I won't let you in on mine. Oh no, I'm too rock solid for that. I am strong … like bull. This isn't exactly a common characteristic that you find in women. Most women have at least that one person or that tight knit group of friends who they know and trust and love and are able to share, with complete honesty and vulnerability, their innermost desires and secrets. Though I believe I have some of the most amazing friends on the planet; even when I try my best to allow myself to let them in past the surface, I haven't been able to be fully free and fully me with them. For a while, I was proud of my impenetrable shell and boasted on the fact that no one could hurt me; but it's impossible to desire to be like God and to know God's love without also experiencing a longing for authentic community and real relationships. After all, that's what God is all about. So, I began to envy women who could be "real" and began to wonder why I had such a hard time with it.
Without giving the Lifetime Movie Network version of my story, I will say that my ability to trust other girls was taken from me at an early age. Like most young girls, I had a group of friends who I considered to be my best friends in elementary. My family and I moved into a new city and new house before I started 5th grade. With that move, I lost my best friends. They remained a tight knit bunch. They went to the same middle school and high school and were bridesmaids in each other's weddings. I lost touch with them and tried to make new friends at my new school, but I didn't quite fit in with anyone. I moved from a majority black environment to a majority white environment. In my new environment, I tried to make friends with the few black girls around. They were the ones who looked like me, but they came from different types of families and environments than I had. They had different morals and values, and even at a young age I was able to recognize that. Still, I tried to fit in with them because I needed someone to be my friend; however, it just didn't work out. You can't force a square block into a circle no matter how hard you try. Eventually, the girls who I tried so hard to become friends with ended up turning on me, gossiping about me, and treating me like an outcast. Looking back, I can see that it was jealousy, but they accused me of thinking that I was "all that" and better than them because I tried to do well in school and excel in extracurricular activities.
After that, I went on to try and fit in with the white girls. It didn't take me long to realize that I wasn't like them either, and it was about more than the color of our skin. Although I cheered and danced with them, I was in special groups and organizations with them, I was popular among the student body like them, and I was in advanced placement and accelerated learning classes with them, I was never really like them. They never fully let me in and I don't think they cared to get to know me. Outside of what we did in school, our lifestyles were totally different. I couldn't relate to their personal lives and they couldn't relate to mine. I then figured that it was best for me to do what I needed to do to become the best me possible. I didn't care about making real friends because I didn't need them. I had 3 sisters who were my real friends and that's all that mattered. I became an expert at having surface level relationships, wearing a mask, and achieving all of my goals to lead others to believe that I was perfect and had everything under control. There is nothing wrong with wanting to do well and achieve great things, but choosing to do so without others is a problem and a fruit of pride.
I don't have to write a long paragraph to explain that I have had my heart broken by men. Most women have. But mine was in such a way that I decided that I could trust no one … not men, not women, not anybody. If it's gonna be, it's up to me. I would be in control of my life and my destiny and I would never give anyone the power to hurt me. I would never let anyone in, because my reality told me that people only hurt you, leave you, or both. So I locked my heart away for good and I began living a 'what you see is what you get' sort of lifestyle. There were 2 huge problems with living this way:
- I didn't let others see much of anything
- I locked God out as well
I am so thankful that I have a loving God who pursued me regardless of how hard I tried to shut him out. Foolish of me to believe that, just like everyone else, God only saw what was at the surface. I'm glad I was wrong. He saw much, much, much deeper than what I allowed to be revealed. He knew the root of my hurt and, most importantly, He knew how to cure it.
I may complain about some of the small external changes that are happening during my season of transition, but I am ecstatic about the internal change that I'm experiencing. Even if no one else sees it, I know it's happening and it feels amazing. I can not put a price on this freedom that I have. To not care what others think or say about me … To genuinely love out of the love that I've received from Christ … To have found my identity in Christ and know who I am because of what He says … To have forgiven those who hurt me … To have friends who I can share my heart with, and trust that they won't abuse the privilege of knowing exactly who I am and what I'm about. Not all change is bad; in fact, most change is good. Growth and success are impossible without change.
To my W SQUAD – I can't wait to meet you all! I'm ready for new friendships, new relationships, new brothers and sisters! I'm ready to experience what it is like to meet someone and not feel like I have to have my guard up. I'm ready to stop working so hard at achieving something that I will never be able to achieve alone. I'm ready to see what it means to really trust others. Most of all, I'm ready to see God through the hands, feet, and flesh of other people.
It took me about 3 days to write this blog. Why, you ask? Because "I didn't NEED errrrr-body up in my business!" I knew what was going on in me, and that is what was most important. (Lol, I'm obviously still a work in progress.) God began to show me that this was so difficult to write because it's one of the most important ones. Not only is it part of the key to my freedom, but also to yours. I apologize for the extra long blog, but there is someone out there who needs to read this. There are other women who are just like me. You need to hear that God is actively pursuing you and He is after the one thing that you don't want to give away … your heart. I'm here to tell you that you can trust Him with it. He won't abuse it. He will fix it, nurture it, care for it, and restore it to its natural beauty. He loves you, and all you have to do is let Him in. He will do all of the hard work, if you let Him. He will change you on the inside. Let Him do it … because change is good.
