Can I just be honest with you all for a second?
Lately I’ve been feeling really apathetic. Like, bad attitude, cold hearted, ugly APATHY. If you know me at all, you know that I actually hate apathy. I’m a very passionate person.
Recently, I’ve been feeling a lot of things that I never want to be associated with my character or my heart. It’s almost like I was trying to be so put together, so whole, so unbroken on my own, without Jesus, that I was dead. Jesus brings life (beauty, warmth, passion) so when I wasn’t choosing to seek Him, I was dead (cold, uncaring, ugly, cynical).
I remember talking to my friend Kristi about brokenness one summer while I was living with their incredible family in Colorado. I was asking her why God would let me feel so broken and not just put me back together when I asked Him. I felt so bruised and vulnerable and I just wanted Jesus to make me WHOLE. She responded with something simple, but so profound: "Kristin, if we weren’t broken, we would have no need for Jesus, and our need for Jesus—that’s what makes us whole."
That was like a super-awesome-magical revelation that I SO needed to hear at the time (and obviously again now). It was so encouraging for me to realize that needing Jesus SO MUCH was actually the most beautiful place I could ever be. I guess somewhere along the way, I’ve forgotten the beauty of that place. I’ve been trying to control everything and holding so tightly to my human efforts instead of holding tight to Jesus. Our brokenness and need for Jesus cultivates Life.
Thank God for people who pray for my heart to be broken. Thank God for people who fight for me and don’t leave me stagnant in a pool of coldness and apathy. Thank God for not putting me back together.
