So something that I have been challenged of as of late is my personal transparency. I strive to live a completely transparent life, but it seems that I still try to manipulate and control how much people get to know about me. Recently when talking with a friend it dawned on me that I am afraid of written transparency. When you speak something out it isn't as scary because the person hearing you can see your heart and probably won't remember all the details, but if you write something down that is when I feel afraid. Like who will read this? What will they think? Are they going to judge me because of what I said? Can they really understand my heart through written words?
Well here I am today ready to face this fear and tell Satan that I am not afraid of man (and all that encompasses with the written word).
So I want to tell you a story.. This isn't any plain old story… It is MY story. I hope in it you see past my personal experience to the deeper grace of God permeating the whole thing. He is the reason I am here today and I praise Him for all that I walked through because it was what I needed to see my NEED for Christ's grace and redemption on the cross.
Growing up, starting ever since I can remember, I have always been the smart and fat kid (which are two things that don't really work for you when you are little)… I was told by my peers and not directly but secretly by my family "You are fat" "You need to lose weight" "Do you really need that extra piece of toast?"… etc. So ever since I was a little girl I have had a distorted perspective of body image and what "love" was…
Fast forward through all the awkward/hard years of middle school and jump right into high school. When I was 15 my parents decided to start adopting (they became believers when I was 13 ish)… This came as REALLY HARD news as a 15 year old baby of the family (I have 1 older sister)… But how do you deny something your parents are being called to… right?? So I supported the adoption and got a new baby brother (three years old) in 2005… Well unfortunately for me it happened to be my sister's senior year of high school that year.. So from my perception (as a 15 year old gril) I got COMPLETELY forgotten.. Like middle child syndrome to the EXTREME…
So I just started running.. From God, from my family, from life, from caring…
I knew what it meant to be a believer.. and I could have fooled pretty much anyone (or at least so I thought).. I had even done the alter call too many times to count throughout middle and high school.. But I knew I didn't truly believe.. And at that point I didn't really see the point, because the people in my life who truly knew Jesus were the ones I felt the most hurt and abandoned by… (even if it was unintentionally)
So the summer after my senior year in high school I became best friends with this girl named X.. It was a random way we became friends but we both opened up to each other and shared things we had never shared with anyone before one of the first nights we hung out… (all throughout high school I had a TON of friends but no one actually knew me… I was always the listening ear but no one was that for me..) We just clicked and became inseparable.. Because I was running from my life/family/everything I slept over at her house almost every night…
Somewhere between the end of summer and the beginning of my freshman year in college is when our friendship was taken to a more than friendship level (I don't even know how or when it happened)… The blessing in disguise was that I moved away to college (so separation was good, but the relationship continued).. But I walked through my darkest year ever my freshman year of college.. I was trying to figure out what it meant to be truly me.. But I didn't know how to do that, so I just completely withdrew from people.. (complete darkness/depression)
I believe that X truly helped walk me through that dark dark time and is one of the reasons I made it through.. But I still wasn't satisfied… I knew being in a relationship with her was wrong, but it felt so right in the moment. She was the only one who knew me, she was the only one who truly cared. (all of these things were just lies from the devil I was letting rule me)
I was living on the outside as if I had it all put together and knew Jesus.. But my life was falling apart on the inside…
So fast forward to sophomore year… My roomies (in my apartment) and I decide we are going to host a Bible study in our house. One of the first Bible studies my leader asks us all to prepare our testimony for the next week. I knew I didn't have one.. But what was I going to do…
So I wrestled with myself and God for that whole week of what to do… A) Lie and keep all the fake friends I have or B) Tell the truth and possibly ruin the friendships with only people I had considered friends at that point..
I show up the next week prepared to tell these 7-8 girls I was closest with at the time that I don't think I believe this junk or really even believe in God.. Lucky for me only 1 or 2 people were going to share each week until we were done.. (whew!)
But I remember my Bible study leader sharing how to help someone come to know the Lord that night… and one of the questions she asked was, "If you died right now do you know where you would go?" (or something like that).. I remember thinking "Hell" straight to hell… One way ticket… I am done…
After study I broke down and asked my leader if we could meet and talk.. So we headed to Perkins and talked for the next 3-4 hours about my whole life.. And that night, October 5th 2009, Jesus met me and I surrendered my life to Him… WOO HOO!!!!! PRAISE THE LORD!!!!!!
But I wish I could say the journey with X ended there.. I tried to say that I could stay friends with her.. And I did stay friends with her for the next 3 years.. Which just drug me through a whole bunch of emotional junk..
But I can say today confidently, I AM FREE!!!!
That doesn't mean I don't struggle with thoughts of what if… But I know that my God is GREAT and has a plan for all of this for me..
Even though my past may seem SUPER messy.. and even sometimes the world (the devil) wants to shame me.. I know that I needed to walk through the valley to realize the GREATNESS OF GOD!
Society likes to tell me that my past is Horribly messy (unforgivably messy)… but my mess is no different from anyone elses.. because guess what…
The ground is level at the foot of the cross.
So thanks for listening (I mean reading)…
I have one more quick question for those of you out there (whoever you are)…
Do you ever struggle with transparency in the written word???
