There I was. Seated. Life kept flinging back and forth… Forth and back.. The whirlwind was happening around me. But I wasn’t in the middle of it. I was seated. Stable. Watching. Just Watching.
Ever feel like you are sitting on the sidelines of life. Whirling in the chaos but not really feeling part of it.
It has been a while since I last played a sport, but it is next to impossible to forget what it feels like to be sitting on the bench watching all the action.
For most of this month I have felt that I am just a bystander watching all the activity going on. Our ministry this month is called Unsung Heroes. What that means is while in Thailand we are seeking the Lord for new ministry opportunities.
Throughout this journey we have been doing many different things. It feels like we are lighting a whole bunch of matches, and waiting to see what catches fire. E-mailing, calling, setting up appointments… All the ground work to finding new ministries.
I found myself wanting so badly to be in the middle of what the Lord is doing that I took myself out of the game without realizing it.
I am standing there being called to dive in but feel frozen.
In this frozen state I felt trapped by myself. Why did I let myself feel this or stay there?
Why…. Why would I take myself out of the game??
Fear.
Vulnerability.
I couldn’t even understand.
In China I could tangibly “feel” the Lord moving and I felt I was right in the middle of what He was doing. But it seemed like Thailand held something I couldn’t shake.
Heaviness…
A Weight…
Your eyes filled with injustices ALL THE TIME…
Feeling like you should do something, BUT WHAT?
Because of this I BENCHED MY HEART. Put up my guards and didn’t get emotionally involved with anyone… My team, our ministry contacts, or anyone we met on the street.
It felt safer to take myself out of the game instead of letting myself feel the pain and brokenness. Until we went to the village…
In the village the Lord broke me.. He told me to stop guarding myself because I can see him moving, so why not instead of just watching press in. He helped me release my fear and break down my walls.
So for these last two weeks of Thailand I AM ALL IN.
Committed.
Vulnerable.
Real.
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Thanks for all those who have been praying for me. I truly appreciate all of your prayers. It has been hard for me to put to words what was happening in Thailand, so thanks for your patience with my blog.
