I’ve been home from the Race a little over a month now.
After a big long hug, the sweet friend who picked me up from the airport took one look at me in my two-sizes-too-big pants and said, “We’re going shopping.” We bought four outfits and a pair of boots that afternoon.
And I’ve been wearing those boots and a combination of those outfits every day since.
(I did unpack my packing cubes within the first week or so of being home, but there’s no way I’m wearing any of those clothes in the near future, unless I’m moving dirt, then maybe, but thankfully, dirt can’t be moved when it’s frozen and buried under snow, so no.)
With my pack retired, I put my new wardrobe into a cute tote bag and have spent the past six weeks traveling between Indiana and Ohio sharing my Race experience and visiting with family, friends, and supporting churches. The upcoming weeks will have me traveling some more too. It seems like I’m going somewhere new every week or so now that I’m home. (And I thought moving every three weeks on the Race was challenging! Sheesh.)
Despite the chaos of frequent traveling and family holiday festivities, there have been ample opportunities to process bits of what I experienced and apply some of what I learned this past year.
In preparation for my presentations with supporters, I reread my daily journal and was reminded of the many different ways God showed up this past year. Like that time our first in-country travel day ended up being about 20 hours longer than expected and we didn’t get to the border until 9:30pm, and we were afraid we’d have to sleep in/on/around the bus in No Man’s Land between Mozambique and Malawi because both locals and the government website said the Malawi office closed at 6:00pm, but miraculously the border office was still open, and the staff stayed until 11:00pm to process visas for every single one of us! And like that time when God provided rain, food, and electricity for a village in Malawi. Or like that other time in Malawi when God healed our coach’s broken ribs before her 15-hour international flight home. And like that time when God didn’t heal Cas and she had to leave the Race at the end of Month 3 and we were all questioning why, but then she was able to get the answers and treatment she needed, and 8 months later, her “Rivers” teammates rejoiced for her as she saw the call to be a missionary to Cuba (which God placed on her life nearly 10 years earlier) fulfilled while the squad was gathered at Final Debrief!
And then I remember these are lessons of God’s faithfulness.
Seriously, the one about Cas is a favorite because it shows that God’s plans are bigger than what we are able to see. What we may see as an unanswered prayer, a setback, a disappointment, or a major detour, God sees as a way to share his glory.
There have been moments when I got frustrated and short with people just being themselves – like with my mother, when she’d ask what I wanted for Christmas and insisted that I have something to unwrap. I’d vent to myself, “After the past 11 months, I have absolutely no need of anything. And the things I want can’t be wrapped! I want the kids at Casa Josefina to be adopted. I want the children I met in Africa to have spiritual and physical food so they can grow into godly and healthy adults. I want the Gospel seeds Racers planted this year to be tended and harvested by believers who serve in the same fields after us…” and I’d continue thinking without ever giving her a list longer than “Burt’s Bee’s Chapstick; Haircut; Mani/Pedi.”
And then I remember the lesson that loving others is always worth it.
After stepping outside of my selfish thoughts and choosing to love my mother in those and other related moments, I realized watching her children open gifts she’s thoughtfully chosen and provided brought her joy. Receiving gifts may not be one of my most favorite things ever, but by choosing to be appreciative of the thoughts and efforts she put into the gifts is just one simple way I can put her feelings above my own.
There have been times when I miss moments with my teams and my squad. There have also been meals shared and evenings spent with friends from the house church I was in before leaving on the Race. My heart is happiest when I’m with my people, but sometimes, these memories and moments have left me wondering along with Frodo, “How do you pick up the threads of an old life? How do you go on when in your heart you begin to understand there is no going back?” because my squad will most likely never be in the same room at the same time ever again. And the house church that I left isn’t the same that I returned to; they’ve multiplied, added new members, and multiplied again. And I’m not returning as the same person I was when I left. And that’s ok; growth and change are necessary things.
And then I remember the lessons learned within community: vulnerability, accountability, feedback, and laughter.
Before the Race, I was blessed with an amazing house church family that embodied biblical community well. On the Race, creating community was easier for some of my teams than it was for others. Choosing to love one another right where they are, in the midst of whatever mess they may be working through, is not always easy, nor is it easy to let yourself be loved when you’re the one in the midst of a mess, but that’s where the beauty of vulnerability within community lies. Being intentionally invested in one another’s lives, so you can edify each other with encouragements in areas needing growth and areas of success, builds the body of Christ. I am so thankful for the friendships that have developed because of these communities and the love shown within them. I’m also thankful for the examples these communities have given me as I settle some place new and look for new people with whom to build community.
There have been nights when I’ve been W I D E awake for no apparent reason.
And then I remember the lesson that worship doesn’t have to happen at a certain time or look a certain way.
God is always with me, so if I’m awake, He’s awake too, and those nights have been some of my sweetest moments of worship. I spend the time getting to know my Father through Scripture, listening to sermons, or just listening to music and allowing Him space to move. I thank Him for gifts he’s given (even the ones I didn’t think were gifts at the time) and actually share what’s on my heart with Him instead of making him read my mind. Plus I get to see some pretty awesome sunrises created by Ours Truly, which just leads to more worship.
There have been days when I’ve watched a few too many Hallmark Christmas movies and allowed my mind to dwell on what my life has become (socially thinking) in that very moment – nearly 33. single. unemployed. living with my dad – and my heart then begins to believe the lies that follow – FAILURE. NEVER GOING TO AMOUNT TO ANYTHING. NOT WORTH THE EFFORT. UNWORTHY OF LOVE.
And then I remember the greatest lesson I [re]learned while on the Race:
I remember who I am because of who Christ is and what He did for me.
I am…
KNOWN (Psalm 139)
REDEEMED (Titus 2:14)
an IMAGE-BEARER (Romans 8:29)
SAFE (Proverbs 29:25b)
TREASURED (Deuteronomy 7:6)
IMMEASURABLY LOVED (Romans 8:38-39)
NEVER ALONE (Deuteronomy 31:8)
I am A DAUGHTER OF THE KING, (Galatians 3:26)
A CO-HEIR WITH CHRIST JESUS, (Romans 8:17)
and because of God, I AM ENOUGH. (2 Peter 1:3; 2 Corinthians 4:7; Romans 8:28-30)
The truths God says about me in Scripture and the gifts He has given me are IRREVOCABLE (Romans 11:29) and they resound louder than any lie Satan may throw my way!
And I actively choose to believe Him. Because in Christ, I’ve found my strength and my joy.
God is awesome, y’all, and I’m expectantly hopeful for the next adventure He has in store. Whatever it is, I know it’ll be good – even when it doesn’t feel like it – because He is good.
