It honestly doesn’t seem like Training Camp ended two weeks ago today.
Since being home, many people have excitedly asked, “So, how was Training Camp?”
My immediate reply became, “It was good… It was hard… It was all the things.”
I’d go on to share about how great it was to finally meet my squad mates after texting with them all summer and how amazed I was that 38 strangers could become an immediate family. I’d talk about all of the team building activities we did, how we were given a different sleeping scenario each night, and how each day’s meals focused on a different culture. Talking about what it was like to take a bucket shower in 40-degrees at 8am always generated laughter. Then I started talking about the sessions. . .
Man, those were hard.
(Especially the ones about Identity and Shame.)
I had every intention of going into Training Camp as this super bubbly and outgoing person. It was a new opportunity, a “clean slate” if you will, so why not portray myself as the person I so badly want to be? But I couldn’t, even for one day. As soon as I stepped out of orientation, I found myself finding comfort in what I’ve always done, keeping quiet, staying at the edge of groups, and people watching until I get familiar with the situation.
Why? Because I’m an introvert.
But it goes so much deeper than that.
After one of the sessions, we were asked to go find a quiet place to be with God and do some creative journaling, which was a new concept for me, but I gave it a shot anyway. I didn’t hear God during this time. Instead, all I heard were voices from my past telling me that I’m not good enough, that I have nothing of value to offer, and that who I truly am is not worth the time or effort for someone to discover. (I have specific statements that have been said to me over the years and who said them memorized, so it wasn’t too hard to write them all down.)
I was also drawing my self-portrait during this time. I drew myself standing in front of a mirror without a reflection. There is no reflection shown for two reasons. One is because I have replayed those statements in my head for so long that I have come to view them as truths, and I see nothing in myself worth knowing. The second reason is because these “truths” I believe have blinded me from seeing and believing compliments, encouragements, and real truths about who I am from very dear people God has placed in my life over the years.
I struggle with insecurity.
So, yeah… Training Camp was hard.
But I have found that working through the hard stuff produces growth and beauty.
I find myself looking forward to working through the hard stuff God reveals and the beauty that will come from growing deeper in my relationship with Him and confidently living out my true identity as a Daughter of the King!
