A few days ago, I woke up feeling agitated and off, like I was in a fog. The cause of waking up this way is always the same – he was in my dreams.
It’s one thing to be reminded of him while I’m awake and living life – songs, food, movies, conversations, places, scents – so many things can trigger memories. They come, they pass, and I go on with my day. But it’s something entirely different to be reminded of him in my dreams. Knowing he was in my head without my permission leaves me feeling a bit violated.
I don’t dream often, or at least I don’t remember any of them after I wake – unless my ex-husband is in them. It doesn’t happen often, and I usually don’t remember details from these dreams either; I just wake up knowing he was in them, and I’m left feeling unsettled and wondering “why?”
Why did he come to mind? Why did I dream about him again? Sometimes, this can be answered by simply looking at the calendar. In this instance, May 6th – the day my marriage officially ended – came and went without notice, as it has for a few of years now. But considering that I’ve been fighting intense loneliness and a longing to be in a relationship this past month, it makes sense that my subconscious made the connection with this date.
Other times, I don’t have a clear connection, and I allow myself to continue down the rabbit hole of questions…
Why did he leave? How could he just throw six years away so easily? Does he ever think about me? Regret his choice? Wonder “what if…?” Is he happy? Has God been able to break his heart? Does he see that he’s hurting? Has he come to know Christ? …
Shortly after our separation, I began praying 2 Timothy 2:25-26 over him. I’d pray, “that God [would] grant [him] repentance [and lead him] to a knowledge of the truth, so that [he may] come to [his] senses and escape from the trap of the devil, who has taken [him] captive.” I’d pray that he would come to know the love of God and accept Him as Savior.
I would pray this verse over him every time he came to mind, and I continue to do so. But as I was praying this prayer the other day, something shifted. For the first time in six years, I realized I need to pray this same prayer over myself.
I need repentance and knowledge of the truth to help me escape from the trap in which the devil has ensnared me.
I have been trapped in a cell of insecurities that are a result of hurts I’ve experienced and inflicted in life. I have allowed the devil to use these doubts, fears, and insecurities to hold me captive for years, which is right where he wants me because when I live confined in this space, I am timid and ineffective for Christ and His Kingdom.
And to that I say, “NO MORE!”
It’s time I become bold and courageous.
It’s time I start fighting for my FREEDOM!
