I was beyond excited to learn that our ministry this month was in a place where they disciple young men, and train them in leading worship for the purpose of sending them back home to disciple others and/or lead in churches. (Unfortunately, women are not available to commit for the one month program.) Worship and discipleship are two great passions of mine; however, I can’t lie that I definitely had some nervous feelings that accompanied my excitement. This is becoming a more familiar feeling as the race goes on. It started well before we left as I anticipated things I would be faced with. Though the anticipation held a slight feeling of anxiousness knowing it would be challenging, I was (and still am) very hungry for growth. To be a little transparent here, I have often struggled with feeling inadequate and just how deep God’s love for me is. I love to serve the Lord; but I also end up seeking approval (of men and God) through performance, and neglect to rest in the promises of who He says I am….just because. I won’t even talk about the pride issue that comes in that too. That’s a whole other blog! Anyway, so this all boils down to where my identity lies. I knew it would come up throughout the race and boy has it. Not only does it come up, but God is showing me an array of ways in which it comes up.
One of these ways is in regards to worship and teaching (isn’t it funny that God has me where I am?) I’m often in awe of how I end up in a place of leading worship or discipling. It still just really baffles me how God uses me in it. I’m in the midst of learning to trust God and open all of my heart to Him. I am beginning to find such joy in what He has done and how He has prepared me for every opportunity that arises.
One of my squad mates sent me a note of encouragement before we ever even met at training camp back in October. It was a prophetic note, and the first time I’ve ever experienced anything like it. I had not had any conversations with this guy, and I don’t put my struggles up on Facebook or anything. In his note, he wrote something that there’s no way he could have known. Trust me, I tried to think through every possible way he could have found something out because I was so skeptical that God loved me in such a way that he would “randomly” tell some one else something to tell me. It scared me a bit. I’ve always thought of His love for me in a general sense – like I’m just part of a large group of people that He loves. I have long tried to work my way to the front of the group to be noticed by Him and maybe catch the gaze of His eyes. I know now this is a lie and you’re probably thinking it’s crazy that I would think such a thing, but I’m just being open because this is what God has laid on my heart to write. I’m guessing someone needs to read it. Anyway, I knew I would have to face this in preparation for and throughout the race….and I truly did want to. It’s tiring fighting through that “crowd” and trying to be enough to be noticed, yet live with the possibility that you will go unnoticed. During our debrief in South Africa, the Lord began to speak to me about rest. The topic of identity is always discussed. So throughout last month on top of a mountain in Swaziland, He began to gently guide me through these issues of identity and rest. I found it humorous that He had me encouraging others to open up to Him and that He is safe….all the while, He was speaking to me in it too.
Let me revisit the note I received. It said that God wanted this guy to tell me that even though I felt like my music may have grown stale to explore new areas and God would be waiting there. I won’t go into details on how accurate this was, so just take my word for it. In the last month and a half I quite possibly have led worship almost as much the last 4-5 years or so that I even began leading worship, and it’s absolutely been an exploration of new areas of worship. Then I end up here at this ministry. Here I’m teaching guitar, assisting in mentoring a mentor, leading worship at least 3-4 times a week, and helping teach a class on our inheritance in Christ. Coincidence? I think not!
I’m looking forward to further stepping into this deeper faith of God’s love for me just because of who. He says I am, and not because of anything I’m doing. It’s becoming more clear to me that He is doing things through me that only He can do. This is a good place to be because intimacy comes as I seek Him and live in greater dependence on Him in every way. I’ve tasted and seen, and truly want nothing else.
I am reborn. I am completely new. He doesn’t see my past..even yesterday’s past or this morning’s past. Jesus desires me, and patiently and graciously pursues me. I’m humbled and honored that such an all powerful God would see me in such a way.
He sees you that way too….but it’s special and different and just for you. I’ve fought long and hard, and I’m not sure why other than fear of rejection and not being good enough. If that’s your struggle too….it’s a lie. God can only be faithful as is His nature and He is committed to you. He promised it and has made an eternal covenant with all who are willing to enter it with Him.
“Our faith in God’s faithfulness activates covenant promises into our lives.” That’s an unknown author, but think on it. It’s powerful.
Believe and enter into freedom!
Ps…Sorry for the length again! I usually try to keep these short or around 500 words as I know everyone is busy. I ended up with a lot this time as I asked the Lord to guide me on what to blog about. 🙂 I’ll keep working on keeping them a readable length.
