I grew up in church. I know there are so many stories that begin that way. What I remember at this point in my life that I got from that was a list of do’s and don’ts. I am not pointing any fingers at how that came about. It could just be what I chose to hear and how I perceived it, or it could have been what was focused on. Regardless, I developed an idea that my performance dictated my value and worth to God. Even though I knew in my mind that I could not earn God’s favor, my heart remained in that place and there just wasn’t a connection…for a long time. If you read any of my other blogs, you can see that identity is something that pops up frequently. I realize more and more just how much everything is connected to identity.
When I think about God, I am overwhelmed with how ginormous He is! This is especially true if you start looking at the size of us and the earth and the universe and how He spans all that with His hand. Nothing is too large or difficult for Him to handle, and nothing is too small for Him to see; and if you do any research into the size of the earth compared to other planets and stars within the universe and the number of them, my one person becomes very small. Yet He declares in His Word the intimacy and care He took to create me, unique plans included. I have had a very hard time grasping this, and grasping the fact that I truly don’t have to perform in any way; to believe that He isn’t disappointed with every mistake, and I have to make up for them all somehow. An absolutely divine and holy God loves this ordinary, very small piece of His creation.
I’ve been on a journey in search of more of this intimacy. I know I have some taste of it, but I’ve been receiving a limited amount because of issues in my own heart. Recently, I was acting with less than a loving and gracious heart toward some of my teammates. I wanted to point out everything they were doing that *caused* me to act that way, and did so in my mind and heart. Pretty quickly, the Lord began to awake me and stir some conviction. I saw pride, self-righteousness, and selfishness. My customary process has been to feel guilty. “What do I need to do to make up for this? I’m terrible for acting this way, again. I *want* to be better. I *want* to act more in Christ’s love. I *want* to be more intimate with God so that His love better flows out of me.” I have long found myself in a place of wanting, and I didn’t even realize that I was stuck there. It is a good thing to want, but what has really been going on in my heart was that I thought I could never actually be there. I thought that because I made a mistake I was missing something, and I could never actually attain it. I thought I had to perform well enough to get it. However, this is the beauty of Holy meeting the ordinary, and I finally got some sort of glimpse into it. I am defined as His beloved….period. All that is His, is mine. All that He is, I am. I had a conversation with our coaches at the last debrief, and was challenged about how I’ve been staying in this place of “wanting”. Any time I found myself wanting to be something or somewhere, I was not to “want” but to “do”. So this time, after beginning to process everything and finding myself wanting, God faithfully opened my eyes that this was an opportunity and invitation to step into the challenge. I didn’t talk out loud because my teammates were asleep, but I spoke as boldly as I could in my heart and declared the truths that I was not defined by those actions/mistakes. I am not a judgmental and self-righteous person, I am made holy and righteous by Jesus Christ. The prideful, selfish person is dead because I was made new in Christ. I don’t *want* to be desperate for more of God, I *am* desperate for more of God, and I already have all of Him. I don’t have to work my way back out of my actions, I am already redeemed. I’m not stuck anywhere because the life of Christ is inside of me. Some of this I have heard before, and it’s finally taking root. So thank God for victory this time around, and I know He will be faithful to remind me of the victory that is already mine the next time I need to turn away from my wanting, and step into what I already have and already am in Him! I still don’t understand it; but I’m taking it because He said it’s mine to have, and I am defined as His beloved.
