My apologies for the lack of blogs the last couple of months. I was in a place where I found it very difficult to express much of anything last month; and month 7 was spent in a country where security was higher for the sake of protecting the longer term work going on there, so I was unable to access my blog. I will have another blog regarding our time there!
Do you ever feel like life is just happening around you, and you’re being dragged along in it’s current? This is how my month 6 began in Cambodia. A teammate and I were on the streets for the purpose of prayer walking, and I found myself overwhelmed. The sounds of cars passing by, people talking on the side of the road, the honking, the noises around me all clashed in my head creating a sound similar to an orchestra during a warm up. Before coming together in a symphony, each instrument plays their own song and nothing is in unison. The instruments are beautiful, the musicians are dressed so formal and nice, and they are playing their individual song as well as they know how; but to the audience it sounds like unorganized, noisy chaos. Once all of the instruments play their song in the right time and order under the direction of the conductor, they reach their full potential creating some of the most beautiful sounds in a symphony. I don’t even listen to classical music (l’m not sure why and maybe I should start), but I absolutely love the idea of a symphonic orchestra. There are so many different pieces and parts, and yet together it really does all makes an incredibly beautiful sound.
During month 6 debrief, one of our wonderful coaches shared a picture the Lord gave her for me. It was me as a conductor standing with my wand in front of an orchestra. I was waving it and tilting my head to hear each individual sound. She encouraged me with a word about it, but I have been thinking about that picture more; and I feel as though God is showing me something more in how this is a reflection of my life. She has no idea of my fascination with the orchestra (at least not from any conversations we’ve had); and therefore, the significance of this picture, but she’ll find out when she reads this blog. 🙂 So yeah, I feel as though the Lord gave me an additional meaning of this picture. I appear to be the conductor and I am standing in front of the many different “instruments” in my life. Each one has a beautiful song; and was not just hand selected, but intricately created by the Lord. They are beautiful and shiny and unique. The songs are being played and they are beautiful pieces that honor and glorify the Lord, which is my heart’s deepest desire. The only problem is that maybe they are not all together in submission to the direction of the conductor because the wand is not yet being waved to give full direction. Thus, there appears to be only a chaotic noise.
The other piece to this is that throughout the race (and even before) I have been learning of my identity in Christ. I am learning about my inheritance as His daughter, and that He has given as a gift His very nature, His very Spirit, His very Life. So, I as the conductor am learning to step into the identity that I am in Christ and He is in me – we are One. As I learn that and allow Him to lead this symphony in and through me, those songs and pieces will come into unison to reach a potential and beautiful sound that I can never achieve or create on my own. I don’t know the whole song, only He does. This has not proven an easy thing to learn, but there is something new happening. It’s scary and hard stepping into uncertainty. I find myself thinking, “I don’t remember this part, I can’t lead!” And He just lovingly says, “I am in you. Trust me and keep directing. Let me lead you.” Oh the possibilities to come!
Month 6-8 is a well-known and much discussed season for racers. Many reach a state of complacency and apathy. You could probably call it a tipping point. You can either stay complacent and miss the rest of your race just surviving til the end; or you can step out of your daze, and choose to lean into the difficulties and into Christ for even more greatness. In my pride, I was determined to beat the odds and not struggle with the apathy and what not. Maybe I thought it would prove to myself and others and God that I was at some great spiritual level of some sort. I would find affirmation and identity in it. Instead, I’m broken and finding strength and freedom in admitting that I’m a mess in some areas and have some things to deal with. Those things don’t equate to failure of any kind, and they don’t determine my worth or abilities. They determine I’m an imperfect human, but not just any human, a saint and a daughter of the King. I have this assurance of my inheritance and identity in Christ that offers something so much deeper than any accolades from “holding it together”.
