How long, O Lord, must I wait?
My voice is throbbing inside my chest.
I ache because of the fire that spreads, crushing the spirits of others.
The spark can be the slightest tinge of abruptness in my tone and sometimes I don’t even see it ignite.
I want my words to be a sweet sound, I want my mouth to be a fountain of life, and I desperately want to change,
But my tongue continues to be like a sword, piercing and hurtful.
I want to speak life and bring healing with my lips,
But they continue to contaminate my intentions.
I can feel darkness setting in around me and I long for the light of morning to break.
My tongue is a small part of my body, but it continues to spread poison.
I cannot tame it alone.
Diminish the sharpness, soften the edges of my words that sting and damage others.
Let the sounds of my mouth echo the love that is in my heart.
I am well aware that the way I say things can be a little bit too direct and often rough around the edges. Maybe it comes from my years of teaching and refusing to put up with the attitudes and excuses of the 600+ students that I taught. Or maybe it developed as a defense mechanism at an early age to shut people out before they had a chance to reject me and hurt me… but whatever the deeper cause is, I knew before coming on The Race that changing my tone had to be something I worked on. I made it a goal for this trip because I could foresee how living with teammates in tight spaces for extended periods of time with all of their “stuff”, both material and emotional, mixed in with my stuff would not only stretch me and force me to grow, but would also take me far from my comfort zone and sometimes bring out the worst in my tone.
I’ve prayed fervently, I’ve read every scripture that pertains to the mouth and the tongue (multiple times), I’ve asked teammates for feedback, tone checks, and accountability, but nothing I do seems to work. I’m frustrated and I feel helpless, like it’s never going to improve. I have ridiculous thoughts that I should stop talking all together or cut out my tongue… that way I’ll never carelessly say anything hurtful. I’ve considered just giving up.
But the other part, the determined, unrelenting side, refuses to be silenced. I know that the Lord has given me a powerful voice and He intends for me to use it. Not only the words of my mouth, but also the way that I deliver it, just might be the thing that helps someone realize their potential… or that replaces lies with truth… or that shows others that they too can have a strong, empowered voice for the Lord. I know I will never be a gentle and tender, soft-spoken girl because that’s not who I am, but I want to use the voice that God has given me to bring laughter and joy, to build others up with encouragement, and to boldly bring His kingdom to earth.
Thus far, I’ve attempted what I thought would work… but if I could do it on my own, why would I need the Lord? How would that bring Him glory and honor? How would that testify of His wonderful power and might? Maybe the Lord desires for me to stop doing and striving, and instead to simply trust, to let go, to find rest in Him, to wait upon His timing, then I will be able to boast in Him and what He has accomplished in my life. What is it that you need to stop doing in your life and allow room for the Lord to do great things that only He can accomplish?
