The physiological changes that overcome our bodies from a simple feeling or reaction to something completely intangible fascinate me.
I. am. nervous.
I HATE admitting that. But my stomach is tight, I am irritable, my neck and back hurt, I can’t sleep, and I feel sooo tight all over.
Training camp starts tomorrow and I don’t know what my problem is. I am AMPEd, really, for this trip, but the idea of this first step of going to meet my potential family for the next half of the year and immediately jump into relationship of an intimate level is really psyching me out.
As a little girl I thought of myself as a mermaid. I ADORE the ocean, I feel so weightlessly comfortable in tumbling salty water. When swells would come through and all of us kids were in the water 8 hours a day, I remember my mom shaking her head at swimmers that were trying to out-run big waves to escape to sandy shores. She would point at them as the crash would throw them into the beach and tear their dignity and clothes into a festively disheveled embarrassing moment, and say ‘listen kids, when a huge wave is coming at you- RUN TOWARDS it, if you run to it and dive under it you’re fine.’ Even as a little 7 yr old I walked away with more than just an anti wipeout lesson. I pretty much took that lesson to heart in all areas of my life. If there is something fearsome looming over my head, I run at it and take it head on to get through it. The only way out is through.
So even now, I am runnin straight forward even though my stomach is so tight and my tired eyes are wide open at night with my brain running 100 mph because I know there is something uncertain but wonderful on the other side that is gonna take me from where I am now, to a whole new wonderful place.
:Courage is being scared to death- but saddling up anyway: John Wayne
