“I wish I were __________.” We all fill in that blank with something. More skinny. More beautiful. More athletic. More intelligent. More spiritual.
These are the ways I filled in the blanks of the comparison trap. It’s hard to look in the mirror–both physical and metaphorical– and not point out a flaw and then put all of my worth in that flaw. As if people actually care about that pimple or cellulite. Even so, my entire life I have looked at myself and never thought who I was could be enough for the world around me.
The comparison trap began when I was a kid. My family and I had just moved from California to Ohio. Of course I wanted to fit in and make friends. For some reason, I wasn’t able to. I didn’t want to hang out with the girls because they wanted to pretend to be cheerleaders. I wanted to play kickball with the boys. But girls aren’t supposed to play kickball, so I had to try to learn how to do a cartwheel. Yeah, I couldn’t and still can’t.
During this time, I also started to gain weight. Grandma’s cakes and cookies were delicious but were also adding to my waist line. I was a chubby girl despite the fact that I ran around with my cousins and played soccer year round. Needless to say, I was picked on for my weight by some of the mean girls.
The criticism didn’t end when I got home from school. My parents had my health in mind, but I very much felt shame for how I looked. I started to wish I looked more like my sister and less like myself. I couldn’t look in the mirror without a twinge of disgust. I believed the words that others spoke over me. Fat. Ugly. Manly.
Since I knew that no amount of makeup or exercise would fix my appearance, I threw myself into my academics. I received a lot of praise so I believed that as long as I did well in school, I would have the acceptance of my family and friends. I would finally set the bar instead of fall short of it.
But that sense of self-worth was fragile. I struggled in college and started to fail (by my standard) in academics. Even though I wanted to please others, I didn’t believe that what I did would measure up. People would grade my behaviors and hand me back a paper that spelled my worth. A=Acceptable, I guess. B=Better yourself. C=Can’t you do better? D=Don’t do that again. F=Forget about it because you’ll never improve.
Eventually, I started to believe that despite my efforts, I couldn’t measure up. I stopped trying because the idea of failure was overwhelming and others could do better than me.
Once I had found my footing again and battled the lies and depression that tried to suffocate me, I graduated. Too soon, I was in the real world where people didn’t grade me with a A or B. That was super uncomfortable. I didn’t have that piece of paper that I could trust to tell me my worth. I didn’t know what I was worth.
A few months after graduation. I left for the Race. All of the comparisons I created in my mind ran rampant again. I wish I were more like… Why can’t I be like… If I was only gifted in… I had 18 people to compare myself with and boy did I.
Comparison breaks you down, but the Lord will lift you up. For me, He began by giving me a new name. He showed me that I am unique, thoughtfully made, and loved beyond compare. Sometimes I still hear the voices in my head telling me I am not enough. They tell me to quit and let others shine. They tell me that I am not worthy of love. But I don’t have to listen. Any time I start to feel like I am unworthy of anything and fall into the comparison trap, I ask God to pour His love over me and set me free. Surprise, IT WORKS, and I believe every word He says because THAT is my true identity and where I find my worth.
The Lord has written a love letter to anyone who feels the way I have felt. The Bible has passages that were written FOR YOU so that YOU would know HIS LOVE and believe that YOU WERE MADE TO BE LOVED.
If you don’t believe me, here are some TRUE verses about who you are:
“The Lord your God is with you, the Mighty Warrior who saves. He will take great delight in you; in his love he will no longer rebuke you, but will rejoice over you with singing.” Zephaniah 3:17
“I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness.” Jeremiah 31:3
“The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” Deuteronomy 31:8
“For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago.” Ephesians 2:10
“I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” Psalm 139:14
If these weren’t enough, ask God to personally speak to you and tell you exactly what He made you to be. I have the feeling He’ll tell you all about why He loves you.
