Dear Kenadi,
I feel silly writing this letter. As you know, I’m terrible at words and sentences when I need to say them aloud. My brain works in pictures and it takes me longer than I’d rather to say something inadequate to the thoughts in my head. At least with a letter, I can take the time to actually write what I think and feel.
I know we did not take the time to process together the fact that we would not be on a team this upcoming month. I’m truly sorry we didn’t. I failed you as a friend in this respect since I should have sought you out to find out your feelings. However, I was selfish. I didn’t want to face the reality of the situation that I would have to say goodbye to my best friend sooner rather than later. I didn’t want to talk about the pain my heart was and is in knowing that we wouldn’t be spending our entire Race together.
The truth is, I don’t want to be apart. Why would I ever want to be parted from the one I can always count on to dance or sing with me? The one who watches all the nerdy shows with me. The one who is an introvert but gets hyper at night when I want to be introverted. The one who laughs at my jokes even though they’re really not that funny. The one who challenges me to be vulnerable with my feelings even though I really don’t want to.
When we were told to write down four names in Malaysia of those who we believed the Lord was placing on our new teams, I immediately thought, “Oh, this is a no-brainer (see above list for reasons why). Kenadi is definitely on my list.” But when I opened the Google Form, the Lord stopped me from typing. He immediately gave me four names but none of them were yours.
I was shocked, frustrated, and really wanted to disobey. I mean, it was just a form and whatever God wants, He’s going to get. I wanted to prove my loyalty and love for you by filling a slot with your name and not some other. Of course the Lord convicted me and showed me two things: 1) Sorry, but God is first. 2) If I truly loved you as a best friend should, I would not hold you back from the plan God has for you in this next month. Unfortunately, being together wasn’t that plan.
It wasn’t that I didn’t have four names ready at the end of Malaysia, I was just waiting until the very last second I could. I hoped that the Lord maybe, just maybe, change His mind. I pushed back the emotions I didn’t want to feel when I knew I wouldn’t see my best friend every day.
Regardless of how I feel, I know and trust God that there is a specific reason for us to be apart. I’ve had the honor of seeing the real Kenadi and getting to know her and it’s time for you to show exactly who the Lord made you to be to others.
Remember in the Dark Knight Batman says he can be whatever Gotham wants him to be? I see you like that. You’re literally whoever the world needs you to be. A counselor. An intercessor. An advocate. A servant. A fighter. A teacher. A prankster. A dweeb. A friend. I’m so thankful that I was able to experience all of these sides of you. I know that I am a better person because the Lord placed you in my life.
Today, we changed teams and the full weight of what I pushed away hit me. Yes, I am sad. Yes, I still wish you could be with me in Costa Rica. But now, I am thankful that others are able to see you and learn from you, too.
Kill ‘em tiger,
Kristie
