Training camp was definitely a whirlwind of emotions. Understatement of the year. I was already in tears by day one. Nothing really prepared me for the onslaught of emotions, pain, and healing that I would experience over these last ten days.
During one of our sessions, we were told to ask the Holy Spirit enter our minds and speak to us. For a girl who was finally developing her intimacy with God, this was kind of weird. Not going to lie. My past teachings never exposed me to the role and power of the Holy Spirit.
While I was in this meditative state, an image of long grass blowing in the wind entered my mind. I instantly felt calm watching the grass. The vision started to move so that I was looking at two hills with a sunrise in the sky. I saw myself sitting there smiling as the warm wind played with my hair. I soon stood up and was surrounded by a troop of rejoicing believers. We danced and praised the Lord as the sun crept higher in the sky. Peace. Purpose. Rebirth. Those words passed through my mind as I opened my eyes.
A few days later (I’m not sure when. The days all blend together.) we had another session to build intimacy with God and vulnerability with teammates. We practiced a prayer strategy where we would close our eyes and allow the Holy Spirit speak to a person on the team. We were instructed to close our eyes and allow the presence of the Holy Spirit flood our minds and hearts. One of our mentors selected a person on the team for us to pray over. However, none of us would know who we were praying over. I never tried this practice of prayer, and I was nervous that my words would be from my mind, not from God. Our mentors prayed that the words and images we would relay would either be understood or fall on deaf ears.
I was anxious during the first round. I tried my best to clear my mind, but it wandered. We sat in silence and spoke only when we saw something. When we were instructed to open our eyes, I saw my teammate Kenadi crying. Many of the words spoken over her stirred emotions deep within her. I was scared to be selected for the next round. I spent most of my life shoving tears, joy, and fear into a box. I was already emotionally exhausted from the earlier sessions, and I wasn’t sure I could stand crying again in front of my teammates.
We closed our eyes once more and I felt a light tap on my shoulder. Cue the hand sweat. Even though I didn’t think I was ready, God had a different plan.
A butterfly.
Sandals cleansed in the river.
A woman of “Yes, God.”
Beautifully and wonderfully made.
Dancing in a field.
Freedom.
Wings.
And then boom. Kenadi said she saw a three-dimensional painting of the colors of a sunrise. Cue the tears. None of these women knew the struggles I was having with shame and identity. None of them knew I was tired of running and hiding from my Father. None of them knew that I was begging God to show me my purpose on this Race. Yet, the Holy Spirit used them to give me a direct message of comfort and love. I saw the colors of the dawn of our new relationship. He reminded me of HIs promise of peace, purpose, and rebirth.
Training camp wrecked and healed me. I had to recognize and confront the layers of pain and sin in my life to start the process of healing. I decided in that moment to always look toward Him.
This week brought about a change in me, and I’m happy to say I’m never going back. I know that this next year will wreck me even more, but I also know that I will be transformed. Each country will have its challenge, but I am excited to see what God has in store for my team! Together, we will be the change.
